05.10.02 - 11:03 pm

i feel like a pizza delivery guy whos been cheated his tip. i feel like i just drove over a pot hole at 35 mph. i feel like a hamster whos cage is nothing more than a self contained running wheel. im exausted. mentally. my evening thus so far has consisted of too many instances of emotion for me to handle. this is what i wanted.

i sat between my father and my mother. my conversation had to be first told to one, then the other, awkwardly. my mom told my step father that the song coming up she really liked. and not my father. i cant recall ever being squeezed between so much baggage of lies, disdain, fraud, love, hate, sdfjgsdjkfasdjkfh. i could feel the static of nothing in particular, but just the air that something was amiss.

my sister is princess. prom princess. she was glowing. her face lit up in disbelief. she was beautiful and enraged with joy simultaneously. and i missed every moment of that accomplishment. i saw the shredded aftermath. i had countless voices congradulate me. i was the receiver end of a long chain in the game of telephone.

i saw erin. she had a child. a disporportioned child to her body. it was huge. she is a thin beautiful girl. so very beautiful. with a child. she knows when it needs to be patted. and wipes drool off her shoulder like.....water. she gave her child to jonelle, and then hugged me. it was two seconds too short to be genuine.

many faces from the past. so many underage kids that i knew and talked with in the halls. they are them. but nobody i know anymore. they make me feel more and more out of place in this town. like ive had my turn. im aged. im a used part. im a 1987 chrystler labaron.

theres a sinking feeling in my stomach that i had too much fun. too much fun surrounded by unease and uncomfortability. but, andi's younger vibrant gorgeous sister walked up to me, talked to me of serious dialogue and completely took me by surprise. i dont really know what to think of that, except i spent a collective of 45 minutes looking for andi, wondering if she was there and trying to weigh the decision of ignoring her, or hugging her.

96 of 98 entries have been disguised as something else, but in all actuality, are all about girls. im a sucker. sigh.

i need to go keep my father company