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07.04.02 - 3:59 pm 12:22 am 6.19.02 there is suddenly more hair and dust everywhere than i thought possible. as creative an idea shag carpeting is, its list of major flaws rivals that of the three or so adjectives in its favor. mine for one smells as if the previous owners gave their huge german shepard a bath and then buried the soaking wet dog beneath the follicles of flooring. i protect my sleeping body from the wretched horrors of what this carpet contains with a envelope of egg crate. for some reason, im finding 4 inch plus long hairs growing out of even this. hairs that do not match or resemble my own bodily hairs of those of any of my few guests. i called sarah to give her the number to where im staying. where im living. and she doesnt make use of it. she has said before that shes...afraid....or just doesnt like conversing through a medium that has been the most definitive forms of communication. i for one like talking on the phone, except when im coming out of sleeping, trying to sleep, or sleeping. if i totaled the miles and dollar signs used to pay for gas in order to see her, and then totaled the amounts of coming to see me, and then demonstrated the amounts by the length of the musical careers, id be U2 and she would be LFO. it doesnt bother me so much, because, im pretty sure she thinks of me when im not there, but all im asking for is a girl who rings the doorbell at 12:30am and asks if it would be ok if she slept here tonight. a girl who shows up un anounced and wants to follow you around, no matter how boring or excitmentless your day is. andi did that. i feel like john cusack in high fidelity. wondering what happened between now and then so that nothing is working out like i want it to. everything is only working out in pieces, i only have the vowels in a 5 word sentence on wheel of fortune. i wouldnt call what i think im about to do as a childish mind game girl-like behavior, i would call it more or less a test of will. to see if i can go longer without touching her than she with me. this is a battle i fear i wont win, and this bothers me. my summer officially ended today. i now have a job. a paycheck every tow weeks. a place where i will spend most of my time in a never evolving always degrading employment in which theres always going to be a customer but never a job one can brag about to his friends when hes 35. petco will become less of a place i have to go, than a place for fun and a slip of paper that is traded for more paper that is given to people id really prefer to not have. basically thats a crappy way of saying i dont like paying for gas, growceries and rent. with all the money older people with salaries and careeers make, and how much they have to give away, its amazing they dont just sit on the couch at the end of every day and just say to themselves, holy shit, i would be extremely wealthy if i just stopped giving my money away. i would be wealthy if i didnt spend my money on corals and bags of salt. i wish i knew how to keep the money in my savings account in the double digits. it would be nice to fall asleep on a bed tonight instead of my floor. it would be nice to fall asleep on my bed and wake up three years ago, my arms wrapped around a girl named andi noelle joyner so that i could smile and not worry about all of the events that are coming. it would be nice for a lot of things, but thats the flaw of my race. the wants. the mes me mes. the now now nows. and the never satisfied stab of desire. god has no morals. ------------------------------------------------ 3:00 pm 6.23.02 my carpets seem to smell worse and worse day by day. yesterday my intuitions were correct when i discovered...gasp...a brown morsel of dog food! the wretched odor of a dog owner who more than likely pulled a shasta bates and kept their dog locked in the very room where habitate. the dog thus used this room as a latrine and proceeded to flourish in its own defecations. a towel thrown over urine and stepped on to absorb the surface contaminants, a paper towel used to quickly grasp and lift away fecal particles. all the while allowing the unseen to proliferate among the dense jungle of loosely woven shag carpet. i am a gumshoe of assumption and bitter self regret. i should have chosen a room upstairs. Chad thinks my room smells like shit and he reminds me almost every time he walks in. the only thing worse than having a room smell like dog feces is having a room that smells like dog feces that other people can smell. blast. ------------------------------------------------ 8:29 pm 6.25.02
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