08.02.02 - 4:34 pm

with this song i can pull it over my head, because as long as i cant see them, they cant see me. its warm here, its dim, but there are big spot lights off in the distance. i can walk around, and everything that i think about is a soft murmur, a whisper of things that i dont want to think about but do at the same time. i can seperate myself from people that im miles from but, with this song, im even farther.

i dont like how ive tried to pretend that everything she was happened a year ago from march. but it really didnt. its not a happened. its a happening. he pushed. she gave in. just because. we had sex. well, he had sex with me, i guess. she just has sex. i dont want to be shoved in between a list of simple descriptions of other boyfriends. i want to feel like i have a seperate section. i want a sticky note put over my name with a list of adjectives written and underlined and followed by exclamation points.

you wouldnt know that she smokes. you wouldnt know that she is addicted to methamphetamines. you wouldnt know that she just has sex to have it. you wouldnt know that she wishes her family was....better. you also wouldnt know by looking at me with her, that im terrified of being broken apart by her and....a moment of carelessness. i try to prepare myself, but i try to reason why would i ever do that? she wont. she wont. she wont.

but she could.