09.24.02 - 4:01 pm

now i know that when she says i love you, and i say i love you more......its true.

while she didnt cheat on me physically, the idea presented itself to her. not to cheat so much, as to enjoy the one night stands and the getting off with guys other than me. her mom encouraged her, in so many words, to cheat on me and if it doesnt work out to just not tell me.

i am not sufficient. i am second best. i am not enough.

my feelings are hurt. i feel like garbage. im still in love.

i can understand the thoughts that cross my mind. lots of beautiful girls come into my store all the time. my thoughts tease with the idea of sexual encounters. however, these are always brief and end with me appreciating what i already have. a beautitful girlfriend who i love and want to only be with.

apparently her innocent fantasy thoughts require more in depth consideration. and nearly 6 months of me treating her better than shes ever known, and better than i can possibly imagine anyone treating someone they love isnt sufficient to keep those thoughts innocent and not taken into serious consideration.

what do i do now? how am i supposed to feel when she goes out? especially to that place where this guy hangs out. how do i make up for what i lack? when do i know that shes with me because she wants to be, and not because shelll feel bad for breaking up with me? should i even ask her these questions?

"id rather fall myself than have you drag me on down."

would it just be too much to ask to have to stop looking for consistency?