02.23.03 - 1:50 am

my fingers go cold. they stiffen. i feel an emptying of my chest. my breathing becomes labored. i remind my lungs to function. the inside of my head begins to feel pressured, as if being inflated. the back of my eyes become sore. my heart pounds each beat hard and heavy as if its going to suddenly stop at any moment. my teeth sting as i clench them together tightly. this is how it feels when i imagine....when i......remember.

the emotions that a movie is capable of invoking is fascinating. i sit in the same disgust, pain and sadnessness that filled every vein of my body two years ago. because of a film. because it brings me back there, but also wraps me in a blanket of jealousy and pain that im so close to experiencing.

this sensation drives me with fear. it cant happen again. ever again. but it will. and theres no way to protect myself from it. im powerless.

giving your complete, unrestrained love and affection to someone, renders you helpless. youre suddenly weak and frail. your body means nothing. its muscles, skin and bone are incapable of resisting the crushing blow of infidelity.

its a train wrapped in barb wire tearing through your chest.

you cant stop it. you cant predict it. you can expect it. you can hope it doesnt happen. but you cant do anything. secrets and lies. and lies and secrets. its so easy to hide behind warm eyes and a smile. its so easy to make it so....undetectable.

its so easy to fall apart.

trust.

its not a form of respect. its giving someone your emotional armor. letting somoene else wear it for a while. and you hope, and you pray that while they have it, they dont go off and break it.

i hate the movie unfaithful. fidelity. infidelity. kjsdfhsjkdfhsjkh. it happens.