03.24.03 - 2:00 am

its hard to be excited about a pregnancy in which you dont get to participate. my involvement with this process has been more like a friend coming to watch sarah go through this as a single mom, instead of acting like a father and having a say in the choices and experiences.

"after your one song, mozart, and only mozart."

"...no."

"yes."

"no."

"YES."

"NO!"

"fine, play your stupid music. but take that stupid fucking grin off your face."

i couldnt believe she said anything like that. it was ridiculous.

so i took my stupid fucking grin off my face, took my headphones from her stomach and carefully folded my excitement and happiness and hid them under my box of hurt feelings.

she ruined a moment that was supposed to be special and wonderful. she took something away from me that i had looked forward to doing ever since the thought of ever having a child had crossed my mind.

im helpless in the sense that my position as a father is limited to merely being there to make her happy, and being the cause of her unhappiness.

she finds less and less to say to me over the phone. her moods shift and change angry quickly. its unpredictable. its expected. shes pregnant. hormonal. emotional. irrational.

shes acting like shes using again.