04.01.03 - 1:38 pm

i was angry. shouting. yelling. shes right, you know. you dont understand.

she smoked two cigarrettes. in two days.

i cant protect my own child. im helpless. its helpess to whatever she wants to do with it. i cant stop her.

i cant protect my child from her.

shes angry that i drink alcohol. shes angry that i chose my friends and alcohol over spending an evening with her.

she wants me to stop. she needs to me to stop. im not one to drink often, but when i do i enjoy it to a certain extent. she needs me to stop. i still want the option. the option without the sacrifice.

where do i find the distinction between what i need to sacrifice and her terms of possession?

who ultimately is right or has the right answer? her parents and my parents would never agree on anything. never come to the same conclusions.

she smoked. shes not supposed to.

"at least im not doing hard drugs."

i dont see the distinction between drugs and smoking. theyre both not supposed to be in an unborn childs body. so theyre under the catagory of bad. both of them under the same heading. the bad is seperate from the good. there is no in between, no belittling of a bad thing from a more bad thing. theyre both bad.

she doesnt see it that way.

her mom wouldnt either. mine would. i dont like that.

she doesnt want an untrasound. she doesnt want a circumcision. she doesnt want an amniocentesis.

but at least smoking isnt hard drugs.

should i be as relieved as thats supposed to sound?

shes had a life she didnt deserve. so many people i want to blame. to hate. to despise. they made her who she is. and theres no erasing that from her.

if i think about it, and consider how things could have been different for her....i begin to find the blame pointing to her parents.

or so it goes.