07.03.03 - 3:53 pm

a two hour drive. now i cant get food stamps until monday. now i cant go check on chads fish. now i cant get julias mail. now i cant take a nap. now i cant clean up my room. fix my fish tank or eat.

a two hour drive that costs $10 in gas.

a 15 minute appointment. for $35.

two hours back to corvallis. nothing new. nothing important. no reason.

now i my excitement for this whole event are waning. any joy i have for whats to come only decreases.

im tired.

im tired of hating her. im tired of hating this situation. im tired of being stuck. im tired of driving to portland and back. im tired of sarah. im tired of fights. or arguments. of two sided battles. im tired of money. im tired of telling people im having a child. im tired of making sure my child will be ok with room mates. im tired of my life stopping.

its horrible now, because i can feel it. if things were good now, if she was happy, and i was happy with her, and our parents got along, and things were good....then i could see a glowing future. right now its bleak. desolate. painful. annoying.

because thats how things are right now. and until proven otherwise, its not going to change.

shes right. i am angry about all of this. i hide it pretty well. but when i get it in my face and reminded, i lash out. i erupt. my wrath spills over my control. i get mad at her. i get more angry than i can ever remember. im angry all of the time. just the right combination of words will trigger the release of my feelings. i become vengeful. aggressive. honest.

i really do hate this. i really do blame her. i really dont see my feelings changing. i really see this as a problem i wont be able to fix.

jennifer had a miscarriage. why couldnt we?

do you think this will change? do you really think that when you live with me, and you and the baby are in my face constantly, that im going to enjoy myself? what happens when i get angry, and i want to leave? i cant hang up on you when you live with me. i cant ignore your instant messanges. i cant get rid of you if you live with me. i cant get away from you. you push. you make me stay. you get in my face. when im angry, id prefer not to be. so i say goodbye. i say im leaving. you will have to understand that when i get angry, and dont want to talk to you, or about an issue, i will leave. and you will let me. or things will get very bad for both of us. for all three of us. because you will have a baby within arms reach always.

and im going to look like the bad guy.

always.

im going to be labled a horrible father. an asshole. im going to pay child support. im going to hate my ex. im going to start a new family and have a teenage from my youth to try to fit in to my new family. there will be competition. feelings of neglect. feelings that my oldest wont matter because i have a new family, a new wife, a new mom.

if i felt confidence in this working out forever, i would say it. because i dont, you sense it. you sense my lack of confidence. and it scares you.

make me believe this is going to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. dont drag me through your decision.

feelings go away.

children dont.