08.01.03 - 4:25 pm

it switches. it changes. i suppose anyone could dwell on their happier moments and make conflict of it. im happy, i am. i promise. but sometimes people can have something wonderful, and still wish they didnt have it.

sometimes.

like mr piggly wiggly. ashton doesnt know it yet, but hes really going to enjoy that. i dont know why. maybe i just enjoy it to much. i enjoy the idea of showing my son the things he will enjoy. i like thinking of bed time stories, dispelling the beasts of the dark. taking ashton to the beach, the aquarium, the zoo, the forest. i romantisize on track records, tennis records, scholarships, popularity, girlfriends, social problems. i cant wait for all of these.

i wish i could skip forward to moments in time where my son was old enough to talk to me like a friend, and i could do so. just me and him. to have an open comfortable conversation to ask my son what he thinks of the choices ive made or should make.

its made of wood and wire and my body is on fire. and god is never far away.