08.22.03 - 5:06 pm

i love it. i thoroughly enjoy not having a child. the freedom. the independance. the lack of apprehension. most of all the resentment. resentmen for me is a body cast of depression and apathy. i can feel the difference between me with that disdain and without. im sure its outwardly obvious as well.

but then i am reminded i have a child. a sucking sensation that pulls me from how i love feeling, and quickly smothering me with feelings i realize i have to endure.

i dont know when they will go away. i dont know how they will go away. i dont know if i need help. i dont know if i just need to keep myself happy at the expense of child support. is that worth it?

should happiness cost $350 a month?

is it easier to feel empty and teeming with regret, but for free?

i think the former is what ill ultimately chose. i deserve to be happy. i deserve to do what i want. i can do what i want and be responsible. to be a good father.

however, again, ultimately my life wont ever have me in control. she will still make all the choices for me. she chose to have the child. she will chose to hand me financial responsibilty.

its annoying. feeling like this. feeling like i shouldnt feel like this. the guilt that comes with this much regret and emotional upheaval. can i feel this way? is this ok? is it really that silly? is it? arent i allowed this? cant i hang on to this pain i wish i could hand feed you? its growing you know. its not going away. as much as i try to hide, more keeps filling me up. she wants me to change. her family expects me to change. but do i need to? cant i just stay me? cant i just stay happy? if im not happy, then something is wrong and i have to correct it. doesnt that make sense?

basically it boils down to this.

stop bitching. you have a child. deal with it. if you have to pay child support at the expense of being happy, and having your emotional freedoms, then do it. its worth it. you can still be a good father, not live with your child and see him frequently but not live with him. if you dont want to live with sarah, dont. you dont have to. no one is forcing you to.

anyways, ive been distracted enough to forget where i was going or what more i wanted to say.

cheers.