08.25.03 - 9:50 pm

it hurts. im scared. its a silent end. a quiet scream. a whisper of confusion. its ending. its crumbling around me. i dont know if i want to stop it.

i dont want to be replaced. i want to be everything she ever wanted. i want to be the best for her. i want her to be uncontrollably in love with me. i want to be uncontrollably in love with her. why cant something happen and make us happy again. together. thriving within each other. thats what i need. i need to feel that drive again to have to have her always. to have to have her around. to have to hear her laugh. to see her smile. to watch her sleep. why was it stolen from me? what poison clouded my feelings and soured everything i enjoyed and craved?

what.

i dont like doing this. i dont like feeling this. i dont like writing this. or being here. you cant handle it? do you think im doing a good job of handling it? do you think i enjoy this on a daily basis? this back and forth banter of hate and disdain that only furthers the gap between us? its constant. a struggle over who loves who. who should do what for who. if you loved me you woulds. and i love you mores. what do we argue over? my secret desires to be single? her desires to wake up with me each morning? whos playing fair? whos feelings are stronger?

it kills me. its hurts me. it crushes me. her crying because of me. her hurting so badly because of me. the phone rang late last night. it was silent on the other end but i knew it was her. i knew it was her being so upset she was unable to speak. because of me. i wanted so badly to hear her say, " im sorry. i love you. i love you so much. im so sorry. i just wanted you to know that."

but instead, tears interrupting her, she said, "i want to get over you. im trying to not love you. i dont want to love you anymore."

how does someone take something like that? what do you respond with?

my heart sank with defeat. i lost. shes gone. i lost her. its my fault.

this is almost over.

april 13th, 2002 - august 26th, 2003. one year five months. two break ups. one final. one child. two trips. california. arizona. three houses. mushrooms.

i could never fully satisfy her. i couldnt satiate what she craved. i was second best. i was compared. "my other boyfriends never cared." i was second to drugs. i was second to cigarrettes. what she wanted was what happened. maybe i didnt work hard enough. maybe i did, and it just wasnt supposed to work.

on one hand, i only want her. i love her. i lust for her. i crave her. shes beautiful, wonderful and the subject of adoration. on the other hand she stole my life and kept a child. on the other hand i want to live with her. i want to live with her far away from here and school and work and responsibility. on the other hand, i fear it would be a mistake. a fear so strong i feel like its an innate knowledge of impending disaster. it shouldnt be done. it wouldnt work. but how would i know? should i try it? is it too late? would it just seem so forced to her?

break up.

its painful. its neverending. its remorse. its regret. its worry. its fear. its an indistinguishable mass of did i do the right thing or is this going to be ok? this is the same feeling that everyone goes through before they break up with someone. youre afraid. afraid of losing her to someone else. someone...better. afraid of how it will feel when you want to kiss her, but you cant. when you want to touch her, or just...feel her close. but from then on any such thoughts or actions will be made in appropriate. i like the comfort. the security a girlfriend provides.

without any invisible emotional physical ties and now an ex in front of your introductions youre filled with jealousy. dread. imagination leads to images of intimacy of what once was yours now tossed around in the arms of another. you want her back so no one else can have her.

but are you happy with her? i dont know. i think not. you nothing more than to be happy with her. to make her happy with you. but she cant be happy with you if you live so far away. she gave you a child. you didnt want one. love and adoration dissolved to disdain and resentment. they wont go away unless i learn to enjoy my new life. enjoy the direction my life is going. but i cant. i cant do it. i cant find a way to make myself enjoy it. i dont see the good in it. i only see the discomfort. the secured unweilding grip of a responsibility and a comittment i only dreaded till i was ready. do i want to be commited like that? i dont think so. i dont think i do. id rather be 35. with child. with sarah. with happiness. not 21. not now. not in college.

i want sarah to know i love her enough to marry her, without the desire to actually want to do so.

if she cant handle this situation, then we are left with two and only two options. both may or may not be....enjoyable.

1) i fold. i give in. youre right. your decision. youre always right. you get what you want. always. you always did. you move in, we may still fight. it may get worse. we may be miserable. we may make my room mates miserable. we may laugh. we may be happier. we may be a stronger couple. but i think the overwhelming burden of the reality of a child would be too extensive. i hate having a child.

2) we break up. im single. it sucks, but i can do it. i can adapt. ill get over you and my feelings of posession, it doesnt mean i dont love you. breaking up doesnt mean my feelings for you are gone, or never were. theyre.....stowed away. pushed away. saved from being ruined. i deserve to be happy. its my life. i want both. i want to be happy and with you. and with ashton. but i dont know how to function that combination. im chosing to be happy over miserable. i think thats more important than the stupid decision you made when you decided to keep a child. its my life.

fuck. i sound so selfish. so....self centered. i have a child to care for. i cant afford to be selfish. i have to sacrifice. but how much? how far? how long? why cant i just...not care that i sacrifice? why does this feel so abnormal and wrong for me to feel? because of her? because shes manipulative? are my parents right? are they right that ashton looks very little like me?

i wrote alot of stuff down following thats just me bitching about sarah not having another boyfriend when im around. its stupid and childish.

i just want sarah.

i just want to be happy again.

i miss her.

i miss us.

this isnt going to work.

i hate this.

i need to be fixed.