09.04.03 - 5:07 am

i think we broke up. when i asked her where she might be going, she responded with, "thats none of your business, youre not my boyfriend." which hurts, but at the same time so much apathy has stolen away my feelings for her. her idle threats, the loudness of her voice, the consistant use of the words fuck fucking fucked fuck you.

i dont want to make excuses. i dont want to convince anyone that im anything special or different or sacrificial. im not. i dont think. i could have done more to change my life for ashton. but would it be for ashton or sarah? sarah wanted to move in with me. i thought about it, but had the immense feeling that it would have been too much for me to handle emotionally so soon so much. so i denied her residency. what followed was a chain of wasted emotional runoff seeping from her own bitterness and probably, just maybe, a slight amount of regret about what she got herself into. shes panicking. she losing her grip.

"....i have a BABY...." this is what she says to exemplify that her role is so much more difficult than my own. that her life now is more difficult than my own. that i have it easy. i cant tell. but i do know she has it easier than others.

she has a mom who loves babies. who takes ashton from me kindly, so she can hold him for long periods of time. she has sisters who love bothering me about holding him and watching him. who get sarah the things she wants. sarah has WIC she has OHP. she lives free. eats free. drives for free.

she doesnt live in a one bed room apartment. working two jobs. trying to earn enough to eat and live and drive and pay for car insurance. she doesnt have child care. she doesnt live alone, without the support of her parents. she doesnt live completely seperate from a father who doesnt make child support payments.

but she could be.

ill pay. i dont care. if i have to, i have to. so be it. but russell makes a fine point, in that there should be a law that if a child is created, to the disdain of the father, if he doesnt want it, and the woman decides to keep it, that should exclude him from responsibility. it should be a two person choice. not she choses and then gets anything and everything she wants. to be female and with child, the entire world is at your finger tips. finances are of no concern because everybodys paying you.

the problem that im left with now is deciphering between her valid points and her manipulations. how do i tell when shes right and when shes badgering me into a guilty acceptance of who she says i am? guilt. manipulation. possession. bitterness. she is all of these things, and uses all of these things to drive me away. to drive me towards depression, confusion, disdain, regret, hopelessness, fear, apathy.

she could have been supportive. more communicative. understanding. realistic.

she knew what our situation was when she decided to keep the child. she knew what she was up against. i thought it was going to be easier to stay with her. but apparently, my wants are overpowering my needs.

im being selfish.

im being lazy.

im being worthless.

im being a terrible father.

i am all of these things. i want my life. i want to do the things i want. when i want. forced change is a challenge to cope with.

i want so much for ashton to not be my child. so very much. hes adorable. hes a wonderful little boy. but somehow, if someone could make him not mine.....i would be thankful every day for the rest of my life. for allowing me to have a rest of my life. and not the rest of my life with sarah.