09.10.03 - 4:49 am

i dont know how much longer i can hold out before i cave. before i admit defeat. admit how difficult of a battle this is against infinite fronts.

im against my judgement for breaking up with sarah.

im against my parents and roommates and friends who all want me to be happy. happy without sarah.

im against sarah breaking her apart and expecting her to be able to take care of my baby.

this isnt how its supposed to be. im supposed to be happy with sarah. even with a child. i dont even remember if i wasnt happy. all i remember is sarahs pleads. her begging for me to accept her again as mine. her messages. the way her voice dissolves when she tells me she made me a bracelet. and wrote me two letters.

she made me a bracelet. from the colors of my bathroom towels and floormats. from what she can remember. to anyone else, that may seem childish. but to me, now in this position, it kills me. it crushes my decision and my judgement and calls me a fool right to my face. im throwing away a year and five months of what until november 20th had been a relationship that was almost completely satisfying. i listen into a phone while she slowly dies on the other end. begging. pleading. saying anything to get me to take her back. it sounds as if im listening to someone murder her and while she begs for me to come save her life, i just listen and watch apathetically. this is what im supposed to do. how im supposed to behave. i have to show her this is permanent. but do i want it to be? do i want this? what do i want?

freedom and happiness.

did i have that with her? i dont think so. it was becoming tyrannical. you cant do this. i dont want you doing that. no. no. you need to do this. this is what you have to do. you cant do that. etc.

and i couldnt take it. i cant do that. i want to do what i want. this is my life. a baby doesnt have to end that.

from what i understand, its because shes manipulative. she wants someone to take care of her. she wants someone to support her.

all i want is for her to understand that, i love her. uncontrollably. but i wasnt happy. and i didnt see it getting any better. im just afraid of three things.

1. what it will feel like when she tells me she slept with him.

2. her coming down unexpectedly. calling repeatidly. over and over. getting worse and worse. and with all the screaming and begging and tears and mascara stains, her always having ashton in her arms.

3. me forgetting i have a child. a responsibility of financial support and visitation. that some sacrifice is necessary.

i love her. i want her. i want what we had.

couldnt you just have waited another 10 years? fuck. fuck you. fuck you i love you.