09.12.03 - 7:29 pm

what did i do? what have i done? am i happy now? was i happier then? did i act too fast? did i make a mistake? who is right? why does it feel like ive forgotten why i ended us? what happened really?

do i feel nothing? why am i so cold?

she hurts to listen to. she calls my work. she calls my house. she tries. she tries so hard. and it breaks me open everytime. she pleads. she begs. shes hurt. shes dying. and im killing her. but i only listen to her anguish. i cant see it. our relationship crumbles between two phone lines.

why cant i hurt as bad as she does? why cant i cry for her to show her how much im not enjoying listening to her suffer? what does that mean?

what do i want?

if we got back together, based on how things have worked out in the past, i feel that things would be great, if not better than ever for a while, but quickly degrade. dissolve. it would just be a repeat of everything ive ever done before with previous relationships.

what hurts her now, will hurt me ten fold later. when she stops, when she finally gives up, thats when i will fall. thats when jealousy, possession and my regret will fall over me. ill want her all over again. and she wont want me. she will want others. and she will have them. and i will be crushed.

i need to go see her. i need to do something. i need to not have a child. it only makes what sarah and i are doing that much more complex. he doesnt deserve this. we dont deserve this. we deserve to be happy.