10.23.03 - 2:51 am

i shouldn't have called. this is never going to work. i need to stop pretending. fooling myself. convincing myself.

"its ok for me to kiss guys because im a girl...if i ever found out you kissed someone, youd never see me again......"

"i dont even fucking care."

"i drank every night ive been here....last night i had 7 shots of tequila." she drank, she said, because it was just there. IT WAS JUST THERE. not because she wanted to get drunk every night. but just because it was there.

and with her and drinking, inevitably an immense amount of cigarrettes is also involved. i can only imagine what she smelled like falling asleep next to ashton. or passing out next to ashton.

one day soon ill mean it when i say i want to be alone.