12.23.03 - 4:56 am

it started innocent enough. i still have the smeared remnants of a phone number scrawled on the inside of my hand. my hair is slightly damp. i have some small fine cuts from some sticker bushes on my fingers. ive got pictures of ashton on a floppy disk in this computer. and, here it is 3 am and im still awake. the following is my evening, as much of it as i can recall, and to the best of my recollection:

i pulled up the car, she stormed out and up the stairs into her house. she slammed my car door, i expected her to continue the trend on her own house, but she disappeared inside uneventfully. i walked in the car seat, the diaper bag and two blankets. she slammed the door to her room as loud as she could as i approached, but i walked in easily, and set my things down. she was sitting on the bed with ashton, and as i approached i could see a letter from sean, her friend and a carton of cigarrettes at her feet on top of a pile of clothing.

"what the hell are you doing with that?" i asked her, disgusted how inflated her addiction had become recently.

"my grandma got me those." she replied.

"youre fucking grandma bought you a fucking carton of cigarrettes?!" i was shocked. what the fuck? since when do grandmas encourage smoking and addiction, not to mention neglecting the fact that she has a five month old great grandson...who apparently should like nicotine too. who apparently should enjoy the fact that his mom smells thickly of smoke and filthe and has breath like an ashtray and passes her nicotine and addiction to her son via her milk. what the fuck is that about?

"so you wont mind then if i trash these?"

"no...wait, i mean...yes. those are mine. those are my property. get back here." she said as she stood up from her bed to follow me down the hall. she continued to ask for them back, and i said, "ok." and dropped them at her feet and said my goodnight. i headed for the door. i was hoping this was going to be simple. effortless. this is where it got interesting.

"um, excuse me. you removed property from my room and dropped in on the floor and i think you owe me an apology and should go pick it up and put it back in my room." i said no.

"yes, you spilled them all out over the floor." again i said no, but i retorted:

"so maybe we should go back to the freeway, so you can pick up my property, that you tore up and then threw out the window. do you think you could pick up all those pieces and put them back in my car?" defeated, she merely muttered an "oh" and went silent. i went for the door. she stood in my way and told me i couldnt leave, and that i was staying. i responded that i couldnt stay, and didnt want to. i had family i hadnt seen, jill was leaving christmas day at noon, had flown in last night and yet i still hadnt seen her. i wanted to see my family. i wanted to sleep at my own house. in denying her plea, i was passing up sex and sleeping next to her. two very wonderful things. but i had obligations of my family. she contested that ashton and herself were my family, and that i need to stay with them. she also used lines such as: you can see them tomorrow. you never see ashton. ashton wants to wake up with his dad. i need you. i need you to sleep her tonight. you never do anything for me. if youre going to do anything, do this one thing for me. just stay tonight please. ill do anything for you, i promise. im begging you. just tonight and then never again. after tonight its never going to be like this. i meant what i said last night, and tonight is the last night ill ever want to speak to you again.

granted, all of this was in tears, sobbing, and in long drawn on begs and pleas. she would stand in front of the door. she would hold on to my arms. she would both arms around me. she would weasle her foot infront of mine so i couldnt walk toward the door any further. she was getting horribly upset, crying profusely and i would just calmly tell her, that no, im not staying, im going home and to get away from the door. dont do this i would say. calm down i would tell her. to no avail. at one point of me trying to get out, she started to hyperventilate. for no apparent reason, just heavy rapid breathing, still holding ashton (which shed been doing this whole time) and i told her repeatidly to go sit down if shes going to do that. she was precariously holding ashton and looked like she could pass out.

at this point a car pulls up to the driveway, i tell her, look, your mother is here, you wont be alone tonight. she choke dout that it wasnt her mom that it was mike. mike walks up the stairs, sees us in the doorway. sarah is visibly upset, and he asks us if were alright, if shes alright. we both tell him we are, everythings fine and he retreats to his room.

we continue. and continue this for another ten more minutes. her begging. her holding on to me. her loudly explaining why i need to stay there and that i dont have any reasons to not spend the night there. for ten more minutes. this was endless. i finally had had enough, went to mikes door and asked him to come out and help me stop sarah so i could go home. he said, "yeah sure jordan, ill do my best." he follows me out to the family room to meet sarah who is standing with ashton. a face of disbelief quickly consumes her.

"jordan what are you doing? why did you fucking just do that? mike, stay out of this please." mike agreed and responded that he didnt think he should get involved and it was awkward, but he said he was sorry and went back to his room. all i needed was for another person, and adult to witness what was going on and to have the ability to tell sarah, look, he wants to go home, let him, stop being so.....possessive. had this happened, my evening would have been far less eventful, and safer for anyone. thanks mike.

sarah immediatly goes back and still blocks the door and still keeps me from leaving. at one point i finally get outside, get to my car, but shes already jumped in the passenger seat and shut the door. i was wishing i had locked it earlier to prevent this. so, for some reason i went back upstairs into her house, i turn around to see her grab my keys and follow me up the stairs.

"well now you cant go anywhere, because i have your keys." she says grinning. fuck. this is now only going to get worse.

so i follow her around pathetically, requesting my keys back. over and over and over again. she says no. over and over and over again. then says to stop following her. so i grab her arm to keep her from running off. get off me dont fucknig touch me she says. sigh. awesome. so now she goes in her room, sets down ashton on her bed and says, "im going to go have a smoke, watch your son." not wanting to play along, i follow her out, leave ashton in her room and tear her cigarrette in half. she grabs another, and i again, tear it in half. i see her grab for a pack in her coat pocket, so i take it, pull all of them out and shred them as she tries to grab for them. she still continues to keep my car keys from me. ashton is crying. she goes back in and picks him up and i go out to my car to look for another set of keys. i was praying i had another pair. she followed me out, and while she struggled one handedly to get in my passenger door, i snuck in the drivers side, locked both doors and began looking for the spare keys. those damned phantom spare keys. and by spare i mean, nonexistant. she jumped on the back of my car and made sure i heard her say, "im holding your child." she remained outside my car flaunting the fact that she had the keys, was holding ashton and now had yet another pack of cigarrettes in the pocket of her coat. through the window i heard her say, "well im going to smoke now. with ashton." and as i watched, she pulled out a cigarrette, and lit it. and ashton was there dangling from her other arm, smiling at me through the window. i rolled it down said, "what the fuck do you think youre doing?" she bent down to exhale smoke in my face, but i grabbed the smoke from her fingers and disposed of it like the others. i rolled up the window and continued my search. the quicker i got out of there, the sooner shed give up putting on a show. i couldnt find any keys. she was still standing outside the car in the cold and proceeded to hit my car, or kick it. either way, she was making some contact with the drivers side of my car with something as hard as she could.

i think at this point i got out of my car to use the phone. this needed to end, so i went to call my mother to come pick me up. as i grabbed the cordless to make my call, she dismantles it while im in the other room. so i put it down and reach for the one other phone in the house located nex to a big book case in the family room. she unplugs that. so i go in to the kitchen to plug back in the other phone and she pushes me down into the kitchen table. i stand up and try again for the phone but she doesnt allow it. i run back to the other phone now, determined to use it against this sort of....behavior. she fights and pushes her way down toward the phone jack, rocking the bookcase and knocking things off the top....holding ashton.

i give up on the phone idea and continue back with asking for me keys back. she refuses. ashton is now back in her room on her bed. crying. or starting to. i grab sarah by the shoulders in the kitchen and pin her against the wall. i was pissed. i was fed up. i was getting my keys back from her. so i pushed her against the wall and i kept her there and i struggled to reach into her pockets. she put up a dramatic fight, cringing her face in a wince, making noises like she was in horrible pain and flailing like i was tossing her around. she squirmed free and went outside...to smoke again. i grab her again. the whole while shouting, "get the fuck off me. dont fucking touch me. ow. stop. youre hurting me." and flailing. dont forget that. all for show needless to say. a show in which only i was watching. so i turn her around and now pin her against the railing outside. its cold. the deck is very slippery and we both slip around as i push her toward the rail. i bend her over and reach in all of her pockets. no keys. what the fuck did she do with them.

"stop, i dont have your fucking keys. theyre not fucking on me. i flushed them down the toilet." this is the threat she continued to relish in. i think i took another pack of her cigarrettes and crushed it again as she tried to save it helplessly. i think i get the phone again and she says fine, ill give you your keys back. theyre in my room. so i follow. she slams the door, and tries to hold it shut but i push my way in and sit down on her bed, waiting for her to gather my keys.

"get out," she demands, "get out and ill get your keys. i wont get them while youre in here. i have that right to not have you in my room if i dont want you to. you should know that thats what you said to me." or something to that effect. i refuse. i want my keys, and theres no reason why i need to get out in order to get them. ridiculous. at one point tonight she told me she was going to climb out her window to avoid giving me my keys.

so i leave to get the phone...again. and she says, ok see, ill get them for you now, youre out of my room. she comes out, and says, but im going to smoke. so she walks outside, i follow. ashton is sitting on the couch now in the family room. i go out there and try to get the keys from her, but she hides them, and holds them in her hands, and eventually...just tosses them out in to the night into a thick wet patch of sticker bushes, stinging neddles and grass.

real fucking cute sarah.

i think that cost her another crushed pack of cigarrettes. i think i only killed four of them. out of the dozens in her carton.

so now im really fed up. i finally am able to maintain a phone line, without her severing it, which she continued and persisted in trying to do. she was dedicated to hindering my use of a phone. so i was on the phone with my mom. it was now just after one o clock. about an hour since i had gotten to sarahs home. im in the middle of telling my mom why i need a ride home from sarahs house, and how soon she should get here when.....gasp......sarah unplugs the phone. i plug it back in, call back my mom and tell her to hurry, because sarah is standing right in the door way of the house, smoking a cigarrette and...holding ashton. she comes in, stands and watches me for a few moments, and then goes back out and smokes again....with ashton. i finish up my directions and sit on the couch. sarah comes back in. she sits on other couch and asks me to come sit next to her. i refuse. so she stands up and comes over to sit next to me. she asks me to stay the night. she says, none of this would have happened if i would have just done one little thing for her. all i had to do was stay the night and none of this would have happened. then she threw in that i was psycho. i told her that i wasnt going to talk to her for the rest of the night, and to not try to talk to me. she reminded me that she needed me to babysit tomorrow, because she had to work. and i reminded her that, after tonight, there was no way i was coming back over her to babysit for her. she was upset with this, and said i had to. that she had no one else to babysit. that he was my son. that im supposed to. that i dont have to babysit him at her house i can go to my moms if i want to. again, i refused.

mike now comes out of his room, still doing his best to not get in the middle of anything, although i must admit to see us sitting on the couch together, talking calmly must have been confusing. had he only seen the face of disgust, disbelief and anger i had giong for me in the dark, maybe he would have gotten a better impression of the situation. i asked him for a flashlight. he said there was one in the kitchen. sarah agreed. i got it and headed outside to look in the dark wet grass for a pair of three keys. one of which was the only house key my friend chad had, without it, apon his arrival back to oregon in january, hes be entryless into his own home. so i looked. mike came out through the garage and turned on a light. at first i thought he just really needed something in the garage at 140 at night, but then he asked me if the garage light helped me any. i said, no, but if you have a bright spot light that would help. and thank you anyways. he went back inside.

i treaded through the tall grass and sticker bush ropes of thorns and looked, not thinking ever be able to see them in the dead of night amongst this thicket of thorns and grass. sarah stood on the porch and encouraged me, "well, any luck?"

i ignored her.

"hey, come here, i want to show you something. no really. come look." the way she said it, made me think, foolheartidly, that maybe she really had just thrown out something else, and she still had my keys, and now she was going to give them to me. i walked up there, and she held out ashton and said, "look.?"

"what i said, ashton?" i asked, she nodded with her eyes.

"youre not even going to say goodbye to your own son." i rolled my eyes.

"go down on me." she suddenly demanded. i tilted my head in disbelief.

"excuse me?"

"go down on me. right now."

"no."

"yeah, come on."

again i rolled my eyes, and walked down the stairs back toward the grass again saying, "he'll be fine. and ill say goodnight to him when i can." she then calls me an asshole, and with the cup full of water shed been sipping, pours it on me from above. it was freezing cold outside, and now im wet. cool.

back to searching i go, she returns inside only to come back out a short while later, again, beckoning me to come look at something. not falling for it again, i merely shine the flashlight on her face as she held ashton and asked what. she said, "come look. im hurt."

"how did you hurt yourself?" i asked puzzled, and she was inspecting her bare upper arm.

"i got cut."

"how did you get cut? all i did was grab you. you were wearing a jacket. maybe yuo hurt yourself from the bookshelf as you were struggling to unplug the phone."

"no, i wasnt struggling."

"yes, you were. you knocked stuff down."

"no i didnt. besides, i got cut with a knife." i paused. in a flood of a thousand voices, from a thousand different occasions, the warnings of my parents over and over repeated in my head. "all she has to do is punch herself in the face, call the cops, and when they come and she says she was holding the baby when you hit her, you go to jail. automatically. you get convicted of a felony and you will get jail time for domestic abuse."

"a knife? what are you talking about. i never even saw a knife, let alone touched a knife tonight."

"thats fine, but how are the police going to know that?"

"sarah, fuck it, you call the police. you tell them anything you want. theyll finger print all the knives in your house, and they wont find a single one from me. i never even touched a knife."

"your prints will be all over them! im bleeding!" she continued to examine her wound, from where i stood i couldnt see anything, but it looked like it would have been right below her shoulder on her upper left arm. i continued my search, ignoring her blackmail threats, hoping that if she did call the police, and they did come, they would understand what really happened and had gone on.

suddenly....yes....bingo! i find the keys! i get in my car, i locked the doors...and start the boss up. sarah comes out and to her surprise my car is alive and backing out of her driveway, and her life, and her control. with a final act of desperation, she picks up the flashlight i had left on the steps and throws it at my car, hitting the hood somewhere with a loud thud.

finally, after all the bullshit. the fights. the fucked up events at that house. i sped away, wondering, where the hell is my mom? i should pass her now at any moment. i eventually come down edminston road to see a car pause, and the keep going on wilsonville road, and figure its my silly mom, passing the main street she was supposed to turn on. so i speed up fast, following tight to the sharp curves. a real driver doesnt use his breaks, he uses instinct. i catch up, flash them down, make a quick joke about their negligence of the road they passed, and we turn around on our way home. my mom, whitney and me. but just after a sharp turn, and up a slight incline...the boss pulls through with a joke of her own: the accelerator pedal comes undone, and becomes powerless. just like after the dave attell show. except this time, im not off to the side of a sharp terwilliger curve at 130 or so on a saturday night terrified of being destroyed by a drunk driver. my mom finds a flashlight, but no battery. i have to fly solo and helen keller style. in a matter of moments my hands fix up the cord and pedal, and were on our way again.

i tell my sister and mom everything ive just written down above. right at the knife part, my stepfather comes home. hes most displeased. all he wants to know is if i got arrested. as soon as whitney falls asleep for the evening, they both engage in telling me how unfair the law system is. "how court rooms are fairy tales." and that no matter what, i could and almost certainly would be punished if any police had been called. they spent the next ten minutes lecturing me about not listening to them ever. and how i affect their lives as well with the bullshit that goes on with mine. and that i need a restraining order against sarah. and pretty much that i wont get to see ashton for a while. we wont get to go see santa. we wont get to spend time on christmas with each other. he wont get his gifts. my grandparents wont see their great grandchild. and overall the next few years of my life are going to be filled with bullshit. and child support payments.

all this just because i wanted to go spend the night at my moms house. and see my sister jill. and be with my dog cody.

indeed you are ken.