12.26.03 - 2:50 am

here is a list of my faults, if you know of any that have been left out, let me know, i wouldnt want to be pretentious and claim to be faultless.

i spend too much and save not at all.

i am lazy.

i procrastinate.

i try to do too much in too short amount of time, and end up spreading myself too thin.

i tend to put up a fight when i feel im being told what to do when i dont want to do it.

i steal.

i dont tell the people i care about that i care about them.

im over confident in my thoughts on how the world is.

i can be too vain.

i am not gracious enough for the things i have.

i tend to sit on uncomfortable issues instead of dealing with them.

i lose my temper.

i cant think of anymore currently.

my problems and things i noticed about this evenings events:

- mike, i respect who you are, and the noble things i think you do for other people disregarding yourself. but, i would ask you one question: tonight you had no problem listening in to the argument i was having with sarahs grandparents or stepping in to help mediate. you held mr lopez back from grabbing me and throwing me outside. you had no qualms about stepping in and adding your own opinions about what i should do with my life. but, the other night, when i came and knocked on your door asking you to help me by holding sarah back so i could leave, you failed to do so because you didnt "want to get in the middle of this" and it was "awkward." so you retreated back to your room. i dont understand.

- mr lopez, you said i had a problem. i asked you what that problem was, for you tell me. i said i didnt know. you said, "there you go." i said, "what? i dont understand, what is my problem, tell me what it is so i can fix it." you responded with, "see! there it is." i said, "im confused, can you be more direct?" my reply was: "i cant tell you what your problem is, only you can figure that out." so apparently i have a problem, but he doesnt know what it is when i asked him repeatidly.

- mrs lopez, i have two statements for you. i refuse to believe you when you say you adore and love your grand daughter. i dont believe it for a second. if you did such as you said, then why would you not only spoon feed sarah nicotine and cancer and addiction, but then defend the idea of smoking. and follow it up with "oh jordan grow up." as if my concerns about smoking and sarahs health and ashtons was....child like and naive. as if smoking was ok. as if i want sarah to die of cancer as you inevitably will. as if i want sarah to have a low raspy voice, cough continuously, smell like smoke, have poor circulation, yellow teeth, stained fingertips, ruined clothes, and cancer. "im a nurse and...." i cut you off from this statement because i dont care about your medical background in regards to smoking. its fucked up, and you giving your grand daughter an entire box of them is baffling.

second, your main argument and aparent root of aggression comes from the question you started our evening with: "why isnt sarah going to your uncles tonight?" i answered because it would be awkward, and what followed was phrases like:

-"go home and talk some more turkey to your mom."

- "you go home and tell your mom and your step dad and your family and all your friends all your problems, all your concerns and things that cause you stress. you tell them all your worries and fears, you go home and do that."

you were angry that my parents and friends all have ideas about sarah that are biased and unfounded. you are angry, just as sarah is, that people on my side dont like sarah because of the "turkey" i talk, or only the bad things about sarah i chose to share with others. now you claimed that, just from my answers alone to your statements you were able to create a schema of my character. that you didnt respect me just in those twenty or so minutes we discussed each other. but what i see is that youre angry at me, and for what i do, based on what sarah tells you about me. so, in a sense, youre getting angry at me for the exact same thing you were trying to lecture me on. you seem to also share the same beliefs of sarah, in that people dont have the right to not like someone unless behavior is directly aimed at them. for example, my room mates having problems with sarah, and not necessarily liking her, based on how she acts when shes here, and the conversations we have, and the things they find out she does. and consequently, sarah denying them that right to feel that way about her, because she never did anything directly to them.

- sarah. i love you. i care about you. as i was leaving, you came up to me, said you were sorry, that you didnt know this was going to happen. that youre sorry your grandmother acted that way. that you wanted me to hold you. and to call you after work. that you were......sorry. i dont believe this for a second. you were just as much a participant tonight as they were. you watched. you stood and listened. you threw in your additions to their comments. at any point, if you were sorry and uncomfortable with what was going on, all you had to do was hand ashton to me and say, "here, take him, just go, ill deal with her." or you could have stood up and said, "hey look, the other night, i fucked up. at jordans party, i fucked up then too. i know i fuck up alot, and affect how he treats me and how we act as a pair of people raising a child because i call jordan and tell him that i know i fucked up and that i am fucked up. i tell him this, because i know i make mistakes too, glaring ones." but you remained silent till the end, and only then did you add your trademark closing apology. its always afterwards. when you see the consequences that you say youre sorry, and im expected to forgive and forget. and when i dont, then you bring me back by saying any number of fuck you combinations via AIM or phone calls and drawing me back in to show how i am the asshole.

- mr and mrs lopez, both of you had plenty to say. but really nothing behind it. you said the same things over and over again, but really had nothing at all to back up your accusations. you told me to grow up. be a man. stop blaming others. stop stringing sarah along. stop using sarah. you said all of these things, and when i asked you to give me examples of such, to point out my wrongs directly, you couldnt. you would just repeat the cycle of phrases again. or start to belittle my family. you realize, mrs lopez, that attacking my mother and step father, and even my father as you did had absolutely nothing to do with our conversation, was irrelevant, rude and very very immature. you realized it too, but didnt say anything, as your husband said your name and you said i know, and covered your brow.

what would have made your attacks on me tonight more understandable, more appropriate and valid would be if you had used specific examples of things you knew about. if you didnt depend on telling me "fuck your parents." if you could back up your accusations that i string sarah along, that i dont treat her well, that i dont love ashton, that i dont do anything for him, that i should drop out of school. you couldnt provide me with anything. just finger pointing, name calling and then having mike stand there and tell me you werent attacking me, you were just telling me how you felt. bullshit. it was a full on assault as soon as i stepped in that kitchen, and you both knew it.

i didnt get to finish this statement because we got off track, and your lack of listening to me didnt help when i tried to explain, but this is where i was going when i said, "to understand my doubts about ashton being my child, you have to understand where sarah was, where she was coming from." what i meant by this and where i was going with it was that at the time of sarahs pregnancy, she was using meth heavily. the day she found out, she had gone to three houses and used at each house. and by used i dont mean just meth: cigarrettes and weed were also present. at that point in her life, and at that point in our non existant relationship sarah was a liar. the reason we broke up that time is because she wanted to move home, go to NA meetings and beat meth. the exact opposite happened. she used more. i knew it. no one else did anything. people who use drugs like meth, lie alot. to people around them, and to themselves. sarah used to have lots of promiscuous relationships when she was heavy into meth prior to me. both of these known facts, didnt coax me at all into believing right away that the child was me. how was i supposed to believe someone who lied to me about their drug use? how was i supposed to know truth from lie? i asked you mr lopez, "how do you ashton is mine?" and while you continually tried to get around my direct question aimed at you, you finally said, "because she said so." which is a fine answer, but did you believe her when she said she didnt use drugs? when she said she stopped? somewhere in between those two years she used?

that is the reason i answered you, "yes, ashton is probably mine." i dont understand how you can blame me for having my doubts. while i trust sarah more so now than i ever have, there still that feeling in me that if she was lying, why would she ever admit other wise if the threat of losing me was so great? that sounds self glorifying, but its what a major issue with sarah is. that was the argument i was going to use. i never got to say it. and i dont think you can blame me for feeling a slight hesitation when asked if its mine.

finally, i realize im not a good father. as good as i would like to be. im not ready to be a father. when i am however, i will be. its as simple as that, there no forcing it, i promise. im doing the best i can with what ive got. i have flaws. i make terribly mistakes. getting sarah pregant was a terrible mistake. sarah staying pregnant was a terrible mistake. i chose to have sex with sarah, sarah chose to have the baby. in contrast to what you told me tonight ms lopez, "you chose to have a baby."

i have wrongs. i enjoy them being pointed out, as uncomfortable as they are to hear. im glad you opened up and spoke your minds tonight. im sure you needed to get all that out. but next time you come after me so hard on issues such as that, look at what make sarah and i's relationship so hard. look at the night before last for a prime example of why being around sarah and being a good father in between is difficult for me to handle and employ. dont be so self righteous. be as humble and modest as you wanted me to be tonight.

just breathe.