12.29.03 - 9:25 am

i woke up to find my bedroom warm, my eyes begging to remain closed, and snow everywhere on the ground.

and the same thickness over my heart as it was when i fell sleep.

my strategy for her, is to let her know i care, to let her know that im sad that we didnt work out. that we never really did. i let her know that i need my distance and need her to disappear in order to relieve myself of this seemingly endless discomfort surrounding my feelings. yes, id like to be just friends, and talk on the phone, and hang out and give high fives and what not. but im lying to her. i dont. there would be no way i ever could. after all ive invested and given to her, any sort of information about her and the things she would do would only bolster an increasing amount of sadness.

her strategy is different than mine. she begs me to be her boyfriend, tries repeatedly to assure me that shes changed, that shes changing, that shell stop at nothing to be my girlfriend again. it all sounds so nice, until i have to remember why this is even going on at all. i have to remind myself of how ridiculous our relationship was and still is. when she realizes that im remembering, and using that to keep myself from letting go, she pulls out way to hurt me. to tell me shes over me. to tell me shes sorry for the way shes going to have to get over me. the only way she knows how.

and she knows exactly what sort of response it will illicit.

i wish i knew exactly how to erase her from everything.