07.03.04 - 7:26 pm

ugh. a low point.

redundant. annoying. standard. lackluster. mediocre.

my relationship. sexual inadequacy. miscommunication. misunderstanding. misrepresentations. lack of respect. lack of...desire. trust.

im fed up. im tired. im tired of what feels like constant misery. she says weve had months of good times without complications. weve been happy until just now. she wants to know why its changed. whats different.

not me. she would say not her.

well of course she would say that. and of course i would say the same. neither of us admit our wrongs. because i dont think im wrong. i admit when i am, when i make a mistake, when i acknowledge my rudeness. when i know im hungry, and i get easily angered, i admit it. i apologize afterwards for it. but i dont doubt myself when i point out sarahs behavior. she does things that are consistantly not so much wrong, but...problem causing. complicating. she makes things so uncontrollably unpleasant, and it takes hours of sobbing and yelling to get her to admit that she realizes our dysfunction and majority of our problems (i say majority, because, yes, i do have faults, and they are prevalent. and they do cause problems some times) are caused by her.

im insecure about our sex life.

shes insecure about her.

and the problems we have because of her and her dire need to fix and tailor me to her specifications is not necessarily her fault. its her fathers.

she knows it.

i know it.

but she refuses to do anything about it. and thus, everyone after me will suffer the same way i have.

she puts up with alot of my shit. yes.

but i put up with even more.

i need to break up with her. i need to get it over with. we will not ever be happy. she knows this.

id like to say that i will do something about it, but i wont. saying what i feel and what i know will not change anything of my behavior. ill still try to make us happy. still try to mediate her constant pointing out of my faults. still try to tolerate her accusations of my neglect to her feelings.

her feelings.

constantly about my neglect of her. she right some of the time. i do ignore her when they seem to stack up. when she has such a big list of problems with me, when for two years, my personality, my behavior, my self has remained unchanged.

i say things to other girls that upset her. i say things i shouldnt while im with her.

if i could put an excuse where its unexcusable, i would say, "but its because im unhappy."

in conclusion, thats why we even fight to begin with. shes unhappy. im unhappy. and thats why we fight.