09.03.04 - 12:44 pm

so for many days now ive been struggling with how to respond and handle a situation developing with my step father and his son.

ive thought many times about sending a card. but what to write within its covers leaves me feeling.... intrusive.

"mike, ive been thinking alot about what has been happening in regards to you and your son. i just want you to know that i think youre a wonderful person and youve been a tremendous influence on my life. youve really gone out of your way to take care of me, help me with my problems and provide for me selflessly....."

sounds good huh? yeah. its honest. i mean those things ive said. but im merely a step child. im not his. and in saying that hes taken care of me, and paid attention to me, and gone out of his way for me im rubbing it in his face that in doing so for me, his step child, hes neglected his true son. his first son. his first born.

this son is also blaming my step father for the problems he suffering from. he says that the reason he started using drugs was to get attention from his father. his life has spiraled out of control because his father neglected his feelings and emotions and wants.

trevor, my step brother, blames his father, my step father, for his depression, his suicidal tendencies, his problems and obstacles. for a cop, this is hard to deal with. especially someone like mike, whose presence is that of wisdom and a strong moral compass. having a son blame him, when mike represents the pillar and symbol of goodness and wellbeing is taking a terrible toll on him. he feels like a failure. he feels shame. regret. remorse.

when sarah was addicted to meth, i could easily blame the misfortune on the circumstances of her childhood and her father. but the addiction was hers. and no one elses. she put herself there and kept herself there. so does trevor.

mike had a childhood of getting his ass kicked by his alcoholic father. and mike kicking the shit out of his own father. with that sort of family and familiarity with abuse and alcohol, most would also continue with that into their own lives.

mike did not. it took alot of effort but he grew up to become a terrific example of a human being. and to have trevor blame mike for trevors problems? unheard of. unthinkable. ridiculous. but as a father....devastating.

mike has shown me a tremendous amount of support. and me saying that in a card, wouldnt that only make him think, well, jordans right. i have given him alot of support and attention; and in doing so neglected my real son.

id come across with good intentions, but leave mike feeling worse.

so, i care. but this is a sensitive spot. i dont want to change a sign of appreciation and thanks, and have it become.....a sense of blame and guilt.