09.18.04 - 1:26 am

my second evening falling asleep with assumptions. my first evening being certain.

fate stepped into my life tonight and did a wonderful job of increasing the challenge im already struggling through. the thing i plug into my cigarrette lighter, which i can plug my ipod into, didnt work. which means i got about three seconds out of a song i really needed to hear. three seconds out of a playlist i really needed to hear.

so instead, i drove to eugene and back filling my head with the most continuous stream of conscious thought i think ive ever created. i needed to mask over the knots in my body with distractions.

so i thought about truckers, and the signals they send each other with their lights. i thought about time travel, and when changing something in the past, would you realize it back in your future? would things just disappear in front of you? i thought about ashton. he must be going through some heavy dreams because he sure did jolt alot in his sleep. i thought about my speed and excuses to throw out to officers who might pull me over. i thought about eating. how i should have peed at their house before i left. i thought about rachel and abner. i just had to keep thinking. about gas and mileage. driving times from eugene to corvallis. corvallis to phoenix. ten hours to reno. four hours to las vegas. two hours to arizona. two hours to flagstaff. four hours to phoenix. is that how long it took? could i make it if me and ashton just turned around right now?

i was exausted and relieved when i saw the green stop lights approaching on highway 34. i was close. thinking that steadily about such simple and ridiculous things just because you have no music to marinate your sorrows in gets so tiring.

im now home. ashtons smothered with blankets. its cold in here. i have my music filling my ears. i have Gortoz A Ran - J'Attends and clicking keystrokes. i have the dull hum of my closed loop pumps.

and i have the colorful images of sarah having sex tonight with someone else.