09.17.04 - 12:30 pm

according to my scale, ive lost 10 lbs. a combination of illness and troubles with women.

alright, im here. i made it. im finally in a discernable stage of this process. im sad. im grieving. im motivated towards distraction and self imposed emotional mutilation. i have a list of music to keep me here. to keep me warmly wrapped in these feelings of loss, sadness and hardship. i can feel it physically in my chest. a tight squeeze that labors breathing. i can feel it in my head as a heavy sensation. i can feel it behind my eyes as tears that just wont come. this is where i will be for a while. sunshine, fish tanks, shopping, eating, laughing. these are things that will run over the surface, spilling over but leaving a deeper well of anguish far below. this is where i will stay, braced and unprepared for the worst that has yet to come. i still have to reach the climax of this sensation of change. that will be any day now. that will be the second stage to this trial. once it crests the hill, i can scream. i can yell. i can cry and wince. i can sleep and dream. i can run. i can feel wind. i can write. i can turn the music up so loud that it blackens the thoughts in my head. this will last and last and last. it will fill my nightmares. it was smudge away any discernable good memories. it will hurt.

and then it will all fall away. my breathing will slow, there will be no more difficulty in swallowing. there will be remnants of a pain, but it will be pushed aside for when i am alone. for when i am lonely. for when im sitting in my car driving at night. for when im surrounded by my friends but tucked away in a corner.

that will be the third stage.

the fourth will come much longer after that. a face will return to being just that....a face. no longer will thoughts trail behind it. memories reflect off its eyes. it will be just as i see every other one just like it.

ill have to bury that sensation. i wont get to feel it for months. i give myself two years until im where i want to be emotionally.