09.16.04 - 7:35 pm

i am reminded of this past. this time. these feelings:

http://banjomobingo.diaryland.com/020126_66.html

"i hope deep down inside, shes in a self loathing so thick that the mere action of breathing is painful. people tell me to move on, let it go. im trying to decide if knowing all or knowing less will allow that. "

i read because its an update. i read because i get to know how she feels. but if i dont read, i dont know whats going on. i dont know how she feels.

reading hurts.

not reading consumes me with curiosity.

what if i miss something important? what if i miss a tiny reference to.....and so what. it wont do any good. she still loves reading me and knowing how well shes winning this. its a battle of will.

"I miss the peace of fishing like when I was a boy. Forty years I've been at sea. A war at sea. A war with no battles, no monuments... only casualties."

will is strong enough to defeat loss.