09.19.04 - 11:20 am

i cant do this anymore. i cant keep pushing through this. i cant keep on trying to have my own life. i cant keep myself happy. i cant keep from shaking.

i cant keep doing this anymore.

im tired. i dont eat.

its my fault shes dating. its my fault that she doesnt care if i kiss other girls. its my fault that she needs me to be available on friday and saturday nights so she can date. what happens if i have a date on friday or saturday night? what happens if i want to push you so far out of my life that the only thing ill have to remember you by is the little orange nametag in my bathroom. i need you out. youre right, its making it worse. but i need to know. im sorry if you dont care about what im doing anymore, but i still care about yours. it hurts. it hurts so bad. your denial hurts too. when its none of my business. last night i feel asleep thinking of all the things i could have done better. i could have listened more. i could have been more encouraging. i dont think i could have argued less, there are things i just believe in psite of what how you really think you act. i could have made more varied dinners for you to eat. i could have savored our time more. i dont think i could have complimented you more, because i did it all the time, but i could have held back the comments to hurt you. i could have taken you out on more dates. i could have taken you more places. with or without ashton. i could have gotten you to not work at hooters.

but i couldnt get rid of the anger. the disdain. i couldnt. for as hard as i tried i couldnt. and all it did was provide an outlet for me to be angry with you and the problems you had with me. when the problems i had with you were always so easily glossed over with rolling eyes and "too bad".

with all the remorse and guilt singing me to sleep, i had a nightmare about a big house boat that was towing a huge thirty or fourty foot long crocodile. the ship started taking on water. the world was taking on water. everything was flooding even though it was sunny and warm. there were like eight floors to the ship. madonna was on there, she was in the very tiny cramped room on the bottom gathering her things even though they were floating. i had just finished cooking a nice slab of chicken breast and rice pilaf. i couldnt sit down and eat it because, i remembered i had treasured belongings in the lower decks. my wallet down there. and a huge photoalbum of thailand and sarah and oregon state. the boat was sinking fast. the alligator took advantage of the flood. you didnt want to stand too close to the water met the boat. i only had to tell russell once, he could sense my fear. gordy clark was mad that i wasnt going to share my meal with any of the other eigh passengers. finally, i just took a handfull of rice, said forget it, you all eat it. ill be fine. i go without eating all the time. gordy was trying to get me to understand something but i just kept climbing this latter to get higher, away from the crocodile and water. water began to wash over the sides of the top deck, there was a mad rush to the regular boat we also had. whitney, did you get my album?! it was sitting right there! i think she said no, but the boat was under water, there was a monstrous crocodile hunting us, and i was alive. i can sacrifice my memories for my life. wheres bud? hes dead. he must have been in the lower decks when it went under. the boat we were on was having a hard time staying afloat, i tried scooping water out with my hands, but it was useless, this boat wasnt going to last long either. we heard screams from the banks as the water began flooding homes up amidst the trees. as we trolled slowly, mostly submerged down the swollen river, we could see other people gathering their things into their boats. one family had their hammerhead shark lifted from the water, and they were dousing it with soaked towels.

the crocodile was still somewhere out there.

how do i know if im being lazy? because she says i am? because she has plenty of people who could watch ashton up there? and me driving an hour up there is unneccessary? sure hes my son. sure i dont see him that much. but why do i have to drive an hour and a half to watch him while you work? shouldnt you just be dropping him off on your way and picking him up on your way back, since you cross this way numerous times. youd do it for kevin.

i really hate that you did this. i really hate that everything is going exactly as you planned it. its almost like you had a checklist scribbled down on a pad of paper:

- find nice boy who doesnt treat me like im worthless

- get pregnant

- use pregnancy to get off drugs

- refuse to understand what its like for him

- push boy to his emotional limits, see how far he will go before he breaks

- break up with boy

- start dating quickly

- make him watch son while i date on days he will probably already have plans for

- do this for the rest of his life.

she doesnt care. she wants me to see other girls. i hate that im stuck here with you sarah. i hate it. i hate that you did this. why couldnt you get pregnant with someone else and then decide our personalities didnt mesh? why did you have to drag me through your life and then tie me up behind you so that i always get to know youre out with another guy, that youre kissing him, that youre enjoying his company instead of mine. why did you have to keep me stuck feeling like this. youre fine with having a child. youre fine that im stuck watching you do this. you could care less. im still here. i will always be here. stuck holding a goddamn child while youre out finding clever ways to be young and sexually active with other people. im so tired of being here. i dont want to watch ashton so you can date. i want to watch ashton while you work.

i hate you for keeping me here. i cant escape you. i cant get out. you fucking tied a boulder to me so that im constantly swimming as hard as i can to keep me from drowning, but im also tied to you. im trying not to drown and struggling to seperate myself from the person who stuck me here.

im shaking. i dont feel like eating. i dont feel like helping you by watching ashton today while you work. i dont want to drive an hour. i dont want to shape my life around your fucking work and dating schedule.

i need you to either move away, die or get pregnant again with someone else.

shame on you sarah. shame on you for getting away with what you did, what you are doing, and what you will do so easily. shame on you for loving every second of it.