09.27.04 - 11:00 am

i laid awake last night, staring at the ceiling sometime around 3 am. i wondered why it had been so easy for me to just look around my room for the hour before in complete silence and without any sense of fatigue.
i scribbled down lyrics in my head, trying to rewrite the song "how to be dead" by snow patrol with lyrics that more accurately reflected how i felt at the moment. where i was and what had just happened.
"im sorry."
"sorry for what?"
"well you said you shouldnt have come, so im sorry that you did."
it wasnt hard. but it had definetely changed. eroded away into something much more complex. she wrestled with her desires and her choice. to stay away but to wrap herself up in the past, if only briefly. for a short while.
makes it easier. it makes it feel like it was merely for me. with just the beginning for her. what she wanted to hear. what i didnt want to say.
regardless, if i need to find some hope, i can always look on ebay.