10.13.04 - 3:39 pm

so there it is. what i was supposed to do and what i chose not to. i strayed from responsibility and maturity into childishness and selfishness.

sarah: he says he doesnt blame me for getting pregnant, but he blames me for staying pregnant.
therapist: how old is he?
sarah: twenty two.
therapist: he sounds like hes twelve.

what exactly does that mean? im really confused by that response. im trying to figure out how a twenty two year olds thoughts are remeniscent of a twelve year old. was it not the year 2002 when sarah got pregnant? were abortions every where illegal then? were abortions taboo and whispered in dark corners and still done in dark alleys? was pro choice idealism such a radical and unfathomable abomination of morality at that time? was it fantastic and full of childlike imagination to want a life better and without ties than that of a twenty two year old father struggling through life and college? i say struggle because everyone knows that having a child is hard. it is a struggle. it takes a tremendous amount of effort. a significant amount of money. it takes responsibility. dedication.
yes, all those words accurately describe what being a father involves. so, you tell me, you tell me just how immature it is to not want those things at 22. you tell me how childish it is to fully realize and understand that you are in no way ready or prepared to have a child.
because im absolutely baffled.
how is not wanting a child, childish. tell me how mature a person has to be to realize that at 17, still high off your last crystal meth binge and without an education or a job that it is not appropriate to have a child. how mature a person has to be to realize your life is not stable enough to have a child. you tell me how how mature a person has to be to give up their child for abortion. or even adoption for that matter. arent those the sort of decisions a mature person faces, makes and deals with?
or does a mature person just ignore everything else and make a decision based on what their family has done before them?
because im really confused. wouldnt a mature person realize their limitations, realize the position they are in life and understand that the incredible burden of an unwanted child makes life less pleasant and more complicated during a time when it should be free and full of self discovery?
i challenge to ask the therapist, when you get breast cancer or cervical cancer, will you applaud the exciting changes in lifestyle you get to look forward to? how mature will you be when they take both your breasts, tell you that you will have a constant stream of medical visits and with them a constant financial burden. how excited will you be when you have to leave work because your health depends on you and your chemotherapy. how will handle losing your hair? missing out on fun evenings with your friends because youre too ill to move?
of course you wouldnt want breast or cervical cancer. of course you wouldnt want to give up your life to fight something you didnt ask for. a gift you were blessed with. of course you would be angry and confused and overwhelmed with powerlessness.
cancer is nothing like a child you could argue. true. absolutely true. but it gives you a small sense at what it feels like to have your life change without your consent.
i didnt quit school. i havent gotten two jobs. i still get crummy grades. i still go out with friends. i still go to parties. i still see my son a few times a week. i still give sarah money whenever she asks for it.
this is irresponsible. this is immature. this is not what a father does. what a father does is this:
quits school three years into it. get a full time job somewhere that doesnt need a college education, working for wages instead of salaries. take up two jobs not for comfort, but out of necessity. the second job will earn enough to try to pay off thousands of dollars in financial aid. friends will be few and far between; two jobs and a baby at home doesnt leave much free time. retail and restaraunts dont give weekends. seven days a week. five or so years later, when ashton is attending school, then try to go back to school. while still paying off my loans. while still in between two jobs. while still raising a child.
im telling you, thats the life for me. thats the life i want. depressed. unhappy. any hopes for anything better cut short for a child. a child who grows up with a father who hates his own life. and the woman that made it this way.
youre right. i am childish to want something better for myself and for my son.
im childish for not doing what im told. or what im told from one family i should do. im making my own life. im making my own decisions. and this way will work out. i trust this part of my decision over your desires for me and my life.
this is going to be hard. but it would be harder your way.
i like my life. i like my choice. and i do not like yours.