10.22.04 - 1:08 pm

wow. that was a rush. absolutely incredible. such enormous amounts of strength. hatred. wrath. unstoppable emotions and behavior. like a boulder rolling down a vertical slope, it had to continue, it couldnt stop.
my voice changed. my throat hurt. my chest pounded. my arms were shaking from the stress of use. the excitement was brilliantly wild in my eyes. i wanted more. i wanted more activity. to keep the rush going. calming down was dissappointing. it didnt feel right. i stood there over the bed ready to do it again. i was so ready.
but he was there. and he saw it all. how much of a monster must i have appeared. black hooded sweatshirt. blue boxers with vintage radios on it. in the dim lights of my room, the air filled with fear and anger.
it was terrible. it was exciting. it was my composure crumbling. for anyone and everyone to witness. to experience. i unfolded myself for all who were listening to my most sincerely expressed emotions. myself at my most honest.

"say it! im going to kill the bear!"

then it was sleep. but not really. it was pinned arms and tears and words she needed to hear. it was her building up a brick wall as i stood shouting at it. hastily piling bricks on cement, sloppily manufacturing her denial as she has done since she was a child.
at one point she said, "its all his fault. only hes allowed to tell me those things."
her face was hot, swollen with anger, glossy with tears and submersed in refusal to accept my words. i said what i felt though. i said what i needed to say, regardless of her rejection.

almost drunkenly, slowly and calmly, a quiet guitar in the background somewhere....

"i think it is a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirrored images, and when we kiss theyre perfect aligned. i have to speculate that god himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay...."

the flames extinguished. it got dark. no longer did emotions illuminate the room. he was asleep. she laid there trying to recover. he stood refusing to accept this situation. this powerlessness. she thrived on the control, and he squirmed beneath it in a panic. he had no control. he couldnt stop her. he couldnt make her do what he wanted. he couldnt change anything. no longer was his life a lumpy piece of moist clay for him to manipulate and shape. it was taken from him and being used by the pretty blonde girl he was standing next to. she absorbed so much satisfaction from this. she knew her power. she knew how little he had.
he was even losing control of his temper and behavior. he was losing it to her.
in the quiet, the calm, and the soft breathing the red numbers on the alarm clock reflected off his face from across the room. with flicks of rapid changing lights, the numbers changed from 3:11 to 3:17 faster than hed ever seen time change.
he doesnt remember falling asleep, just that he wasnt sure he wanted to. she was passionate then angry, and then close again once more before she changed her mind once again. she rolled over, away from me, using her back as a punishment for my descriptions of what i wanted. for explaining i wasnt ready for her. i wanted to do what she did. i wanted to feel as she had.
i wanted the ability to kiss and flirt with others.
and she didnt want me. this whole time she never did. she wielded me as a shield against an attack of emotional discomfort.

she doesnt want me with other girls.

and she would do anything to protect the fragility of the feelings tied to that. act irrational? no more so than i. crazy? no more wild than me. ridiculous? no more so than....her.

who wants to be hurt? no one. who wants to know their loved ones are investing their love and their bodies into that of another? i think i took it pretty well. her seeing kevin on several occasions. calling him her boyfriend. telling me she liked him. telling me she couldnt wait to have his dick in her mouth.
and then sean kissed her while they were drunk.
and then she got wind of me cuddling with a girl during a movie.
and i didnt tell her.
and she was horrendously upset.
i didnt know you could compare the two. cuddling to dating. making out with to laying down with someone while watching a movie. i didnt think it needed to be said, i didnt think it held a candle to her activities.
apparently theyre the same.
the threads of whatever we had are thinning. splitting. popping. this bridge will soon collapse, it will tear away from the sides of the canyon, and some how ashton will still be there.
these will be the hardest for him to cope with. ill do my best to help him. his mother will try her own methods.
and ill have to watch them fail. and ill have to watch my own self fail.
ill have to watch my son fall into sarah and inhale every word of she tells him. i will watch him cherish her, and then resent me and anything i could ever tell him. because its different. because its not the ideas of a thornton. because thorntons always think theyre right.
so much to digest. to consider. if only i could appreciate this. if only i was just like everyone else and not having to deal with issues such as this.
such as her.
such as him.