11.29.04 - 12:11 pm

oh the anxiety.
starting a few days before thanksgiving, my anxiety, stress and discomfort began to increase. like a mostly empty ferris wheel, the hassles and misery were sporatic and unconcerning. but now the whole goddamn thing is full of fat miserable annoyances. and even more are jumping on. i keep telling them to stop, that its too full. but they dont listen and then its going to collapse and im going to stand there holding the broken metal lever with the little red ball on the top and a stupid puzzled look on my face.
actually, no. nothing like that.
but listen, first it was my passport being stolen by sarah. and then her denying she had it. then it was me searching my entire room, inside every book, under every piece of paper fruitlessly searching for it. had i hidden it so well that even i cant find it? no.
"if you havent yet figured it out for sure...yes sarah does have your passport. i dont mean to be a tattletale or anything, but i just wanted you to know. when i inquired about it the other day as i was getting in her car she told me she had found it and was holding on to it for you or something. which is why i didnt mention it before now. and if she took it to keep you from going to italy...shes being a cruel heartless controlling bitch."
and the lie that she was just "holding onto it for me" then turned into "it was abners passport rachel saw, and rachel and i already talked about it. its not yours, you can even ask her."
so i did. and that turned out to be a lie as well. so now the lie is something about her friend wanting to know what i looked like, and so she needed a picture of me to show her. and instead of asking me for a picture of myself, she took, coincidentally enough, my passport. the key to what she has grown to hate the most.
but its back. its safe. its protected.
then there was the sinus infection. the pain. the agony. the liquid boogers. hopefully that has run its course.
now its getting my camera fixed. rescheduling a court appearance and a dentist appointment. its not having a phone to make calls on. its having to use russells cell phone to get all my shit together. its calling the student health center twice and hanging up each time because im too embarrassed to talk. its looking up numbers in eugene and calling them. its listening to the continuous ringing and double checking the number. this is my dentists number isnt it? its calling my mom asking about grace periods and summons. its the disappointment when she doesnt know. its having to work and not wanting to. its having a goddamn 15 page paper to finish. its having to watch my son when i cant afford to. its making sure my fish tank wont die while im gone. its worrying about eating and bathing. its worrying about sarah. its looking around and asking myself, what the hell happened to the last three hours? and where the fuck is the phone? its not being able to go to arizona or palm springs to see my father and grandma when they ask me repeatedly because i have to work and work wont let me just take weeks off. its not knowing if i should push my limits at petco because id love to be able to fly out there...for free. its needing money and my sisters ipod. its a goddamn ferris wheel. and its not getting bigger, its just spinning faster with more and more things to cause me grief.
at least, i have halo 2 to take the pain away.
and a little boy.
its 830 am, i lay asleep, or pretending to be. my eyes closed, my mind just hoping to turn off like a light and start dreaming again. but i feel hands on me. tiny hands. and i can feel breath against my face. when i open my eyes i see a small boy face cocked almost upside down with a big toothy smile.
"da da!" he exclaims, like hes been looking for me all night and he finally found me once it was light enough.