12.06.04 - 3:48 pm

it wasnt "can you find someone to watch ashton so you can come to my birthday party with me." it was:
"can you tell me what time youre going to pick up ashton so i can go out for my birthday."
and it wasnt because she knew i had to study. it was because she didnt really care to have me present.
thats how its been lately. just goodbyes on the end of phone calls. an apathetic hello when i call. an entire conversation soaked with better things to do and more exciting people to text message. i am slowly fading from view as someone to be emotionally and physically attracted to and cared about to just the guy that got me pregnant that watches my son while i go drink. i am becoming someone independant of her and ignored by her. and i am forced to do the same through default.
theres no reason to call more frequently. theres no reason to try to be more invigorating on the phone. theres no reason to go down and see her.
it will always get the same dwindling attention and surfacing apathy.
shes not willing to just come to the point and say, look, i dont care about you or me anymore.
shes not willing to say, look, ive been sleeping with other people.
i hang up phones feeling used as a babysitting resource instead of someone she would rather talk to about my day and my feelings. i feel like trying to salvage this, but salvage what?
perfection.
it feels so close at times, and then unattainable all the rest. i feel like giving up as she has, and inserting my energy elsewhere. but i dont have the blossoming social life she does. i dont have strip clubs and free drinks and alcohol and cigarrettes and having conversations with women that want to date me and any interest from women at all. that at least would at least help me feel like i didnt need sarah as my emotional crutch. if i could find even one girl that shows interest compared to sarahs several men, i would be satisfied. i would be distracted. but instead i find myself asking sarah, "did you kiss any boys?". and then not believing her answer because somewhere i know shes lying. i know shes lied. i know i wont ever get the truth from her.
it used to be, the first time she kisses someone else, ill move on. ill be done. but then i allowed it to happen three times. at least.
but now maybe, maybe if she just admits to sleeping with someone ill move on. ill be done. i can only hope that that will finally be the trigger of release for me.
a sudden soaking release of agony and anguish followed ever so slowly by the molasses like relief.
maybe italy will change me. maybe ill come happier and done.
what ill probably come back to is sarah with someone else. and myself with gifts created with just her in mind.
let me be miserable.
or fix this and make us happy.