12.08.04 - 2:46 pm

saturday.
saturday saturday saturday.
it comes and it goes. some days theres a rush of excitement and disbelief. on others i have to remind myself that this saturday i wont be waking up at 6 am for a long day of petco.
its like im constantly reminding myself that this is really going to happen.
"what are you doing this weekend?"
"ive got work 7 to 4 and then ill probably watch ashton....wait, no. not this weekend. this weekend ill be in italy."

this trip would not be possible at all if it were not for my father. for all of his flaws and his abscence, he tends to be extra generous. almost superfluously generous. i can only hope that im able to help him out financially in his future, and also support my son and give him the experiences my father has presented me with. this trip is not without its gratitute. its thankfulness. its incredible debt to my father.
this trip is not without its cost to me as well. i lost a girlfriend for this trip.
i suffered a great deal of emotional burden because of these 10 days. and i shall suffer even after i return for those short 10 days.
two and half years of love and torture. passion and stress. pain and anguish. fear and hate. love and elation.
but now these feelings are "against the rules".
there are moments that seem worth it no matter what the sacrifice. there are moments when you look back at a series of events and cant help feeling like this was how it was all supposed to be. one dream dies so a better one can unfold.
saturday and then nine more.
im bursting with a tremendous amount of confusion. what are these feelings? where did they come from?
this is all so new to me.