12.08.04 - 7:20 pm

you know this is only a plecebo, right? you know that while you think youre actually doing something that will make you feel better, it really has no medicinal properties. once you come to understand that, youll realize that, youre going to continue feeling this way for a long time. the dread of her with someone else, the moment it comes to be true, the feelings of sickness afterwards, the catatonic-esque stupor youll be left fighting to break free of.
most of me is saying, go make out with someone. go have sex with someone. let her find out. savor in what it feels like afterwards for her.
yet even more of me than most is saying, give up. youre not desireable. you dont shave. youre too skinny. your room smells. you have a child. acknowledge the fact that you wont have anyone that seriously desires you here at oregon state. you have to wait till you meet older women who are done with parties and casual sex and alcohol and cigarrettes.
where as sarah will have a steady supply of that. she thinks she has guys lined up that want to date her, to be with her for who she is. but what im certain is the case, is that they all just want to have sex with a beautiful green eyed blonde.
as upsetting as this is for me to digest, and how tough its been for erin as an attractive single mom, the difference between the two women is...erin puts jackson far above where sarah puts ashton. sarah has the right intentions, but not the right behavior behind them.
i will always be the asshole, absent father who never supported sarah when i was supposed to. her family will always consider me worthless, abusive and inappropriate.
i will always struggle with trying to be a good person, enjoy my life, make enough money, get good grades all so that ashton can have an enriched life.
but unfortunately, im failing school. im uncomfortable with the lack of options my life has and all i can do is pretend to have some direction.
and to combat these feelings of anxiety and temporary depression, i order pizzas.