01.16.05 - 10:47 pm

i wish there was some means of control. i wish there was some means of convincing myself not to text message her. or call her. or email her.
i wish this alcohol was as effective as i had hoped in reducing my questions. my thoughts. my disgust and disdain.
i wish there was some method other than temporary intoxication that would rid my fingers of the uncontrollable urge to dial a phone number memorized by months of use.
refrain. just dont do it. feel pain. drink pain. pretend there is no pain.
ok.
look at yourself in a mirror. look at yourself in the mirror and watch yourself say the words youve told dozens of people. stay away. leave her alone. youll be fine, i promise. just focus on yourself.

oh yeah, remember how she went down on him?
yes. yes i do.
good. now remember how youll find yourself someone to be a man for. someone who you can call all the time. someone who doesnt need you to have a cell phone in order to know you care about them. remember youll be happy that shes with him and not with you. remember that the only reason youre going through this bullshit is because youre alone.
and not in arizona.

i promise, if you go back there, none of this will matter anymore. find me there, ok?