01.20.05 - 3:30 pm

ok. well. fuck that idea.

shes had sex with him several times. as many as five. she cant remember how many, just that its less than ten.

which means, why? why am i doing this to myself? why go through any effort at all to hold onto these feelings for her?

well, tonight i think theyll die.

she got mad....when i pushed her to tell me. she refused. but when she finally did, she said, can i go now? i paused and said "bye", and she paused longer and said, "goodbye". why would she be mad? just because the phones battery was dying?

and this whole time ive been thinking about andi. everything is becoming more similar, more alike and congruent. andi is beautiful. but back then andi hurt just like this. i think it was far worse back then as the feelings im experiencing were so completely new. but wow, how suddenly just a few times more will make it hurt.

like a drug that needed a higher dose in order to have a physiological change. i would imagine i would have a plateau too, just like a drug. a point where more doses will do me no more good. just the same.

but andi and sarah told me theyre respective lovers didnt make them orgasm during sex. im wondering if i should care about that little factoid.

ugh. time for plan b again. alcohol and sex. i guess its time to wander into the bars this weekend. the quicker its over, the better i'll feel.