01.20.05 - 3:29 pm

so some might say to me, "just what the fuck are you doing?"
theyll roll their eyes in complete disgust and wash their hands of my intentions or beliefs. they will be angered. they will be upset. but mostly, i think they will just be tired of dealing with it. tired of me whining. tired of me walking into things that always end the same way. they all think and know and feel that the past is doomed to repeat itself, that i am to fall hard and miserably, just as i always do when i dont heed the advice of others.

stop it. please, things are different now. not because ive said these words in the past over and over, but because i am different now. italy changed things. i dont know why, but it did.

and ill tell you these changes. but maybe i should start at the beginning.

sarah and i got together after a kiss during a spring break trip almost three years ago. weeks passed after that first kiss before she would even acknowledge that we were anything. she was young then, 16 at the time. but she was wonderful. she was fun. i laughed. i had adventures. i was drawn to her because it was always exciting. i found myself doing things id never done and improving myself as a boyfriend for her. i wasnt going to make the same mistakes i had made before. and i didnt. i was exceptionally happy.
but the drugs, youll remind me.
yes, they were there and became increasingly more prominant. in between the drugs, sarah would appear and be the enjoyment i thrived on from her. however, the drugs eventually ended the relationship, not because i could end it and walk away, but because she did. i was boring. i didnt do drugs. i nagged. i fought methamphetamines for her, and lost.
but not for long, for soon she was pregnant and a recovering addict. this is where things deteriorated.
i was twenty one. i was young. in my prime. free to travel and spend money and love life and live it. and then suddenly everything i didnt want for my life was then force fed to me by the same woman i adored. this caused a tremendous amount of anxiety for myself and for my relationship with sarah. i was angry. i was furious. i was a caged animal constantly being poked with sticks. i couldnt escape. i could only get more and more angry and scared. the panic was overwhelming.
intrapersonal role dispute. thats also what i was going through. i was fighting myself. and each side was losing. one side was dying. the part of me that had a son and had the responsibility of child support payments and saturday night babysitting was mercilessly wearing down the part of me that liked being social, spending money endlessly and wasting free time. this was a terrible battle that i took out as anger on sarah. sarah, sensing my bold and aggressive withdraw from her emotionally fought back. she acted out irrationally. caused problems. became jealous and snooped. caused scenes of humiliation and embarrassment. demanded my life to be hers.
between me taking my anger and disdain of becoming a forced father out on her, and her confusion and fear of me leaving her and hating her for her choice, we had plenty of barriers between us. communication was impossible. her screaming and tears and fits of rage and immaturity was all she had left to convey to me that she was suffering. my neglect of her feelings and our relationship was my way of trying to cut out my feelings for her and punish her for ruining my life.
needless to say it didnt help. neither of us went anywhere. we still forced each other to work out and we still screamed and became increasingly more aggressive and angry. until i went to italy.

then she finally had her outlet. her reason to finally end our relationship and to punish me. and i finally had my freedom and was making my own decisions and living my own life. when infact two different but similar avenues were being activated.

she started seeing other guys. well, ok, so she had started before italy. but only when i left for italy did she finally find it in herself to like the company of someone else.

and i finally started to see my life and my future as not so much a burden, but just as a new, unavoidable direction. who i was in the past didnt fit or work in the future i was having to fulfill. so i needed to change. i needed to stop invalidating sarahs feelings. she was having emotions that she needed to express. i needed to listen, and while not necessarily always agree, still appreciate her feelings. i needed to stop being so arrogant. i needed to know that i wasnt always right, and change the vocabulary and structure of my sentences so that i wasnt always coming across as an arrogant bastard in response to peoples thoughts. again, i needed to listen more so than i spoke. while i still listen to everyones opinions about how to go about my life, i still do what i want ultimately, regardless of the consequences that had already been mentioned.
mostly, i just needed to accept i was a father. i needed to get done with school. i cant always go hang out with friends anymore. they need to understand im a father and thus, and am going to be lame quite often. and that i may lose touch with them due to the directions their lives may take them. its a fact of life.
accepting my role as a father was the hardest part. accepting the loss of my freedoms. it took damn near three years. but i think i did it.

now, this brings me to where i am right now. the realization ive come to. sarah and i can work. i know this. i promise. its not that shes a fucking psycho. its that she makes very poor decisions. she has terrible role models. absolutely terrible role models.
ive never really known the real sarah thornton. i knew the sarah thornton who was addicted to methamphetamines. then i met the sarah thornton who wasnt on methamphetamines, but was emotionally distraught with an oncoming child. then i knew the sarah that actually had a demanding, crying, screaming, pooping, tiresome child. ive never met the sarah who has come off any of those and just...been herself.

i know i can be happy with her. ive made the start to my personal changes. im ready to accept that i have a child and responsibility. now im just waiting for her to do the same.

but where do i go from here? do i pine and bitch and moan and feel sorry for myself because she broke up with me and has a boyfriend? do i wait for her?
shes made it clear to me that shes confused. that she loves me and wants me. when it comes to blaine she teeters between wanting to break up with him and not knowing how because hes so connected to her social circuit, and liking him and not wanting to break up with him. she enjoys his company and he really likes her. he bought her a new car stereo.

in addition, they had sex. she finally admitted it.

now where do i stand. what the fuck do i do now?
i have no fucking clue.

i really wish a wonderful girl would suddenly arrive in my life and show considerable interest in me. but since i dont go to bars. or parties. or throw parties. or talk to girls in class. or work out. or have a cell phone.

im going to be sexually frustrated and emotionally battered for quite some time.