01.30.05 - 10:20 am

i sat on my porch last night at 4 in the morning. just me and my dog. the chill air, and the absolute silence. i could feel my fish tank vibrating through the floorboards, but just ever so slightly. there was no noise. no cars. no trains. no birds. no voices. my shirtless body was hot, but i imagined i could sleep outside if i was in any better condition; id just need my big blanket.

i thought of ashton. i thought of waking up early to pick up an anemone. i thought about this party and all that happened during it. i tried to think about sarah, but the thoughts wouldnt come. i was glad they didnt.

while they may not have come at me then, then found their way into my dreams. her and her grandparents, well at least people that represented them. she ignored me. her grandmother chastized me. her grandfather seemed like he was just biting his tongue, and being cordial.

i think its getting better. i think things are changing inside me. ive had since friday morning to keep to myself and without her, but this vacation ends tuesday morning and ill have to face this and deal with this for an extended week.

and worst of all, its not her saturday night to watch ashton this week. sex and alcohol.

but the truth is...that i miss you. but the truth is somehow, for some reason...i miss you.