01.30.05 - 8:37 pm

the most common response i get from those that hear ive just purchased a cell phone is disbelief.
"...i thought you dispised cell phones?"
well, youre right. i do. i never wanted one. it really annoys me when assholes get phone calls during class. it annoys me that girls and guys as soon as class ends immediatly pick up their phone to talk on it while they travel to their next class. i hate watching people talk on their cell phones while they drive. i hate it when im trying to tell someone how to not kill their fish and they get a phone call, and instead of ignoring it and calling the person back, they insist on answering it anyway. i dont like ring tones. i dont like flashing lights and pink plastic phone covers. i hate that sarah always had her phone between her legs every time she drove, and instead of talking with me would text message someone else. its silly that jill refuses to call my mother or answer my mothers phone calls, but insists on text messaging her.

and yet, now i have a goddamn cell phone. it will be my only source of communication to others. and i can take it to work. i can take it while i drive. i can take it home. i can take it to bed. i like that. i like that i dont have to dial 1010220 every time i want to calll a 503 or 971 number.
and that it cost me a dollar.
now i can make long distance calls, have text message conversations in abbreviated broken english, and always get my messages in real time instead of after work, or when i get home from portland.
but yet, there i am at work, suddenly reaching for my phone only to be disappointed: no message. why did i reach for it though?
because my message alarm is this peculiar little tune and it has impressed itself into my brain deep enough that i think i hear it even when i really do not. and this is annoying. its the beginning of my obsession.
when i drive, i fondle the phone. i rub my fingers over the screen, across the buttons. hoping to incite a message to suddenly appear, or to arouse some interest to call someone and talk to them.
but i dont need to talk to them. i dont need to talk to anyone, really. the phone is for a need only basis, and here i am, wielding it like a credit card.
its so full of possibilities, but i dont need to use it. i have to use.
but i want to.

eventually lets talk about anxiety and flooding.
like the behavioral therapy kind.