04.18.05 - 1:14 pm

so when its quiet between the two of us, i dont tend to write. when im happy with the relationship, i dont tend to write. what is there really to write about when youre happy? youre too busy being happy to need to write it down somewhere.

but complaining. theres always time to complain.

she has to clean her house. she hasnt had her period in an uncomfortable amount of time, and inspite of two negative store-bought tests weeks apart, she still hasnt gone in for a clinical test. i called her lazy and unmotivated. she calls me a nag and says im not her parents. she says its important to her that shes not pregnant, but i have yet to see any real effort from her to show that. i claimed that the only reason she got the previous tests were because of my pushing. she said she would have gotten them on her own, and that she asked me to get them for her on several occasions and i didnt.
i dont know. im just imagining a girl who would be like:

"hey honey, yeah i went and got tested today, it was negative."
"really? i thought you had to work?"
"well, i called and told them i might be a little late, i just needed to know for sure, you know?"
"yes, i do. thank you."

she tells me repeatedly its important to her. and i believe her, but she just gets so angry with me, that the anger turns her communication with me to apathy. its such a heated topic between the two of us because of our polarized beliefs.

she is ultra pro life.
i am ultra pro choice.

makes things very difficult. makes things difficult to talk about. makes important things difficult to talk about.

its better now than it ever has been. shes communicative. shes happy. she smiles. we laugh. we talk to each other several times a day. its wonderful to have her so close again. emotionally close. i like that im not afraid of her being irrational. shes opinionated, which is hard to deal with sometimes, but so am i. opinionated and stubborn. i feel like im so close to having an open, communicative, emotionally expressive relationship with her. i want her not to be so much like me, but to at least understand undeniable facts: smoking is bad. drugs of any kind are bad. alcohol in excess is bad. there times when children are inappropriate to conceive.

"breathes there a man with soul so dead..."

i dont know where i found this. if shes pregnant again, i promise you, this statement will accurately depict the person i will become.