05.29.05 - 12:50 am

its simple, really. trust your instincts. know that when you feel something isnt right, most likely it isnt. and currently, this feeling is that of earlier this year.

you remember dont you?
sarah, out fucking some guy, all the while pretending she wasnt. remember when she said they werent even together the first time they fucked? remember when she refused to tell you when exactly that was? then do you recall how she suddenly...lost interest. how now hes something to joke about to friends. "i dont even know why i was with him..." followed by laughter and jokes about how bad he was in bed and how they only fucked when they were drunk.

now skip forward several months. try to ignore all the "im punishing you for italy" comments in regards to sex and well whatever else she feels i need to be without while i get my "punishment". look at the things that start to bother you, and start to wonder about them. look at the status of your relationship with her. essentially its divided into two parts:

someone to watch ashton for her.

a place to stay in between watching ashton and going out.

tonight for example, we watched a movie. like most nights she choses to spend with me. alcohol and a move. i bought her alcohol, again a mistake, but you know each time i hope for something new. some change in her behavior. but always the same. sleep. thats all she does any more. my house is a place for her to sleep, and thats it. to drink alcohol and then to sleep. after the movie was over she asked me to put her clothes in the dryer, she promptly went into my room, and as i sit here and type, shes dead alseep. ill get in to bed shortly, lay on my side until i fade off, wake up and leave at 8:00 in the morning, all without any notice from her. she really doesnt care. im a convenience boyfriend. someone whos there because its easier this way when it comes to having a child. i know exactly how that feels.

i dont trust her. i dont think shes been faithful. id almost like to say i wouldnt care, as long as she would just be honest with me. she swears she is. but something kristin said confirmed my suspicions. i asked her if i should trust sarah. she said she wouldnt be sarahs friend if she answered that.

if there was nothing there, nothing for sarah to hide, nothing kristin knew that would affect me, then her answer would have been a simple "yes". right? i mean, the fact that kristin had to say anything like that implies that sarah does have a second life beyond corvallis and me. this isnt merely all im going on though either.

cleared message lists on her phone. its easier that way.

why the fuck is she asleep right now and not excited to be awake and spending time with me? why has she not rolled over once and said, "hey, babe, come to bed" or at least inquired to what i was typing.

she doesnt care of course. she has boundless energy when it comes to going out with her friends and drinking until she drives home and passes out. shell stay up till 4 in the morning watching tv and drinking with kristin all the time, but when shes here, she sleeps. shes not interested in talking with me. not interesting in interacting with me. shes not interested in being serious. with other people, in particular other guys and girls she can talk about other guys with...shes tireless.

when i have ashton shes with other people. even when she has him, she has other people watch him, and she is with other people. and by people, i mean other males. she has pictures of other guys genitalia on her phone. she laughs that off as nothing. she had pictures of herself on her phone too...allegedly for me, but most likely to share. she is a liar. she tells me shes not a good girlfriend. in a sense, thats probably her way of trying to admit things without actually having to.

sure she calls me. sure she tells me she loves me. but its easy to pretend. its easy to say something like that, and then when youre alone, your boyfriend and child 50 minutes away and another guy more exciting and new and drunk infront of you has intentions youd like to participate in.

could that be a reason for her lack of sexual interest? i wouldnt put it past her. honestly, we dont see each other that often, and all she ever wants to do is sleep. that it. no sex. not even kissing. just sleep. she gets here, she just wants to pass out on my bed, and not wake up for anything.

i wake up and get ashton his bottles at 4 and 6 am. she doesnt even budge.
i wake up with ashton when he does and try to get him some food, keep him entertained, watch incredibles or spiderman with him and try to keep him off sarah. sarah just shifts back and forth under the sheets.

shes not my girlfriend. no matter what she tries to tell me. shes pretending.

and i know it. .