06.08.05 - 9:51 am

as much as i try to focus on other things, suddenly little tidbits of nonsense come creeping into my head. those goddamn what ifs.

what if i had spent more money on her.
what if i got her all the alcohol she wanted and never complained.
what if i let her smoke all the time.
what if i was more like blaine.
what if we went out to parties all the time.
what if we went out to bars all the time.
what if i dressed better.
what if my room was always clean.
what if my house was clean.
what if i always spent the night at her house.

eventually it just turns into this mournful passive begging. this list of things that i could have done to constantly please her. how sad would that have been. what sort of relationship is one in which one person is doing all the giving and the other is always taking? isnt that what it ultimately turned into anyways?

i bought her beer.
i bought her perfume.

her reward for me was driving ashton to babysitters while i was at class or at work.

so we split the cost of dinner and movies. she bought me a comforter for my bed. but why was it when she was intoxicated she was more affectionate than when she was sober? why then would she sometimes just completely ignore me and ashton when she was asleep after a night of drinking?

her self destructive habits are worse than my self destructive habits.
....of course they are.

and throughout all of this, you have guys like jason. jason the douche. jason the guy that gets two girls pregnant during the time hes seperated from his ex girlfriend and then tries to get back together with said girlfriend. and then hes blessed with the fact that one girl chooses abortion and the other has a miscarriage. now he doesnt have to deal with either girl ever again for the rest of his life.

but now i have a girl that isnt interested in me that i will have to deal with for the rest of my life.

if only i was more like blaine. or nolan.