06.20.05 - 10:48 pm

i scroll over names in my cell phone. looking for people to bother late at night. not with words, but with text messages.

the energy i reserved for her, our late night conversations after the boy was asleep now goes nowhere. stored and pent up with no one to talk to. there used to be someone there i could call at times like these, but her silence is her declaration of apathy.

there is one other i could talk to, but i pester her enough as it is.

is this what lonely feels like? i dont want to feel like im lonely. like i need someone close. because i dont. i just want that company. that someone that wants to know how i feel. to talk about how they feel. to figure out ideas. to make each other laugh. and to be comfortable enough to not have any insecurities of communication.

i suppose i could just choose apathy too. but its too hard to fake most of the time.