06.24.05 - 10:27 am

its almost like i dont want to share with her what ashton and i do. i dont want to give her anything.

not even my experiences with ashton.

i want what him and i do to be ours, not hers. why do i feel like that? because i scorn her. i detest her. i dont like to share with people that consistantly anger and frustrate me. and so carelessly.

"dont you ever feel like just being single?"

...not when im in the middle of a relationship. not when im trying to make us work. not when i have a child with someone im in a struggling relationship with. sure i want to be single....but technically i never will be. youll always be there. this...thing. this person who never goes away and will always be there as a painful reminder of not only all the mistakes shes made, but the mistakes i made as well. i cant be happy as a single male when i have a child and an exgirlfriend. i want one or the other. and right now id prefer to just have the child and no exgirlfriend. i wish she would move away, and start living the life she thinks she can have as a single 20 year old smoker who likes to drink. thats who sarah wishes she could be. not a mother. if being a mother was important to her, she would stop smoking. it wouldnt be hard. if being a mother was important to her she would take lessons from erin on how to be a real mom.

if i could have what i wanted right at this moment i would have my job, i would have ashton, and i would be miles away from sarah. she could do what she wants and live the life she wants somewhere else far from us. and i would be happy. and ashton would be happy.

and then things would be good.