06.25.05 - 10:04 pm

how do i feel right now?
empty? lonely? bored?

mostly the last two.

ben is still at work. justin is on his way south for his californian tour. i havent seen ashley in months. russell moved out.
for the next ten days it will be just me and ben in a five bedroom house somewhere near the epicenter of corvallis.

no tv.
no late night IMs.
no random TMs.

i just lose the interest to call people up. i dont really care to see anyone, but i dont want to feel so...useless, if i may. i could be doing so much right now, and instead i do so little. sometimes i think i have the mono of the household. im tired alot. i dont have the desire to do much without extreme motivation. my throat is sore. my mind is flaccid. there is nothing going on in my body that is who i want to be. no one invigorated. no one alive with brilliance and genius. just wasted time and flesh. passing between heart aches in hopes of reaching a summit of emotional self control. i havent been there in years. i dont know if id even recognize what it feels like to be responsible for my own feelings. to not be so controlled by the loss of a woman. of women. of friends. of time. of my life that didnt happen.

i walk around alone, and wish ashton were close. to talk to you. to show things to. to read to.

to teach.

to listen to him say "dada" or "i want to hold you". or my favorite:
me - "ashton, whats that?"
ash - "i dont know that."

i wish it was how it was supposed to be.