06.27.05 - 10:23 pm

the more i think about it, what if for eight years her presence in my life was meant to do one thing....make it change dramatically suddenly and then allow me to figure out the rest.

i wanted to go to italy to see julia. i wanted to do something incredible.

at the time i was with sarah. who up until this point had been the biggest burden my life had ever faced. sarah ended our relationship the moment she discovered my plans.

i went to italy.

i came back and things were not the same. sarah was having sex with someone else. julia spent her time with other people. i did what was predicted of me and tried to work things out with sarah, going back to my old familiar settings. but things were not the same. sarah pretended they were, and i thought they were the same too, but again, they were not.

i dont know what julias plan was for her and i or what she expected or predicted. but soon she cut me off and out of her life. a substantial void replaced her security and guidance.

then sarah and i ended again.

so now, eight months later i have no girlfriend. no sarah. no best friend. no julia. my two posts i leaned on the most, next to my parents, now gone. maybe this is what was supposed to happen. i couldnt depend on julia to keep telling me what i needed to do. and i couldnt depend on sarah to become who i needed her to be. and i needed to finally change into someone more able to deal with loss more readily.

she came into my life only to disappear right after it reaches the climax of troublesome. i cant say i blame her. i cant say i really know whats going on. i cant say i appreciate this. i cant say i know what to do. i cant say if any of this really makes sense or is somehow connected or preordained for some greater purpose.

but things are slowly starting to come together as rather curious indeed.

and how does elizabeth come into any of this? i guess i have yet to find out what she means. maybe shes here to remind me that there are people out there who are completely pleasant to be around all of the time, and not just sporatically.

maybe.