07.10.05 - 12:24 am

i dont think about it until im up here. because when im here, im with ashton. when im here, shes up here too. when im here, shes up here with them.

who are these 'them'?

'them' are the those who appeal to her because of how free, how unweighted down they are, how different and exciting they are because they are not me. and they are not me for one reason: they dont have a child.

when sarah is out and with them, she doesnt have a child. they dont have a child. how exciting that must be! to go out. drink. have sex. theres no child to interrupt. to think about. to wonder whos going to watch before she can go out.
if shes out, then ashtons with me.
if she wanted to spend time with me, there was a child. a child to deal with. we couldnt go out without finding someone to watch him. im much more convenient than finding a babysitter. i cant go out and party and have fun with her because...i have a child.

i am not those guys who can show up to clubs. go camping. go to party after party all weekend. i have a child. i have to watch him. the only time i can go out, is when sarah watches my son. and i am not interested in the other girls i see. i wish she felt the same.

but maybe i dont. this is my silly reasoning and justification for her leaving me. sarah would be perfect for me, were she someone else. someone else she is not ready to be right now. nor ever. i get tired of thinking about this. wishing things were different. for her, for us, for me.

there was a point where i was going to try so hard to learn "all over again" by johnny cash on my banjo.

morose, my mom describes me. ok ok ok ok, fine.

look, things are fine. they really are. i just sit at home alot and get really bored and lonely. of course my past is what i have to drench myself in. i am a sad little man. with so much going for me. and so much to look forward to. that doesnt make this easy. that doesnt make her activities easier to swallow.

i dont like it, but i guess things happen that way.