07.30.05 - 5:17 pm

its not you i miss. im not sad because i miss your smile, your eyes or waking up next to you. im sad because i miss the idea of you. what you represented. i dont miss the memories. i dont miss the zoo. california. NA meetings. trips to the beach. our anniversary. or even making you happy.

i miss the part of me you wore out, exausted and used up when you decided to get pregnant and then eventually leave me. i miss having a reason for the wake of destruction we created and then you left unrepaired. at least when you were here there was a point to all of it: we were trying to make it better. make up for it. make it go away.

its not her i miss.
its not him i hate or am jealous of.

you are happy and doing well.

i am too. im having fun. i meet girls. i have sex with them. i laugh. i drink. i have a son. i can be a single father and play as a 23 year old male should and does.
i just wouldnt prefer this.
inspite of that, i cringe alot in discomfort. i feel miserable. i make myself feel insecure. i make myself hurt.