07.30.05 - 7:41 pm

its happening more and more now.

i cut my steak, and look at it.
"thats too big for him," ill say in my head. ill cut the piece in half and, satisfied, proceed to cut another piece of meat in half. i stop myself and realize that my son is no where around, and i wont need to be making my meal bite sized anymore. even before i cook my meals, ill struggle to find some greens or fruits to satisfy ashtons growing need for vitamins and minerals, only to realize theres no need, hes not sitting on the couch waiting for dinner.

ill sit places around my house, and a slight sense of dread will hit me.
"where is ashton?!?"
i relax. hes with sarah. not here.

ashtons supposed to be near me at all times, and when hes not, when hes with sarah or being watched by someone else, i forget. and i get a subtle sense of panic.
hes supposed to be around me all the time. hes not supposed to be out of my sight. where is he right now?!