08.15.05 - 12:16 am

i am still baffled at the feelings i get as i look around my bathroom in the morning. when i see his little toy car on the floor at my feet. when i look above the sink and see his collection of plastic animals: his giraffe, his zebra, his policeman, his tiger...

for whatever reason, i look at them and feel like crying. i miss him. i think about not seeing him ever again, but his toys and his things remaining. how sad and painful it would be to have those tokens of his existance still laying around. i miss seeing how happy these toys make him. how much he loves those little plastic figurines. and how wonderful it is that he does.

that little kid, inspite of how angry i can get at him, how loud his tantrums get, how heavy he is to carry, and how often i have to yell at him to get back to bed when he sneaks out late at night....i just cant put aside how fun he is to sit next to on the couch, his arm wrapped around mine. how funny he is when he struggles to tell me something important. how angry he gets when someone sits on my lap, or eats my food. or when he comes up the stairs at 11 at night to tell me: "im too hot."
where does he learn this stuff? hes such an incredible little boy for his age. his tantrums are easily forgivable and almost as laughable as they are so easily extinguished. his increasing ability to remember and recall events. his somersaults and closed eyes.

hes a special little boy at an inconvenient point in my life. but inspite of when he showed up, hes improved my life and supplies me with constant challenges and dreams.

he can even recognize a johnny cash song from any other song he hears. and for that, i will always gloat.