09.09.05 - 12:25 am

three fish tanks. five white clouds in each tank. three children. two bewhildered parents. ok, lets get started.

"jordan, call holding line one."

five fish almost ready. step up the stool to get more.

"jordan, you have a phone call on line one."

then ryan on the walkie talkie chimes in as per usual, "is it actually a phone call for jordan or is it an aquatics call?" i immediately paused my work with the customers and raced to the phone before ryan could try to humiliate me on the intercom with his personal phone call emphasis.

it was jill.

"hi jordy!" she sounds well enough. shes doing just as i told her to do, call me at work. she never calls me. i was pleased.

her voice was low. quiet. i could hear something in the background.

"something bad has happened. cody was hit by a car."

she said it almost like there was supposed to be a punch line a few seconds later. the noise behind her only made it seem that much more joke like.

it was my mom crying.

"mom ran over cody. they think they may have to put him to sleep."

"put mom on the phone..."

"no." i dont remember much following this point. i remember swelling with anger. i remember telling jill "this is fucking bullshit" or something of the sort. i remember anger and dread. at some point the phone was hung up, but immediatly picked up again.

"tim to aquatics please." tim was the other aquatics employee. i needed him to help the family behind me with their goddamn white clouds. ten seconds too long passed and i couldnt see him.

"ryan or wesley to aquatics please."

fuck tim, ill get managers. hopefully the urgency in my voice would get them here quicker. ryan appeared just before tim. i told tim to fix the customer situation, pulled ryan aside and told him, "i need to go home. my dog was hit by a car and....and i need to go home." i almost felt silly for saying it. i needed to go home because my dog was hurt? um, i still had six hours of a shift to finish.

my dog was hit by a car. i wasnt staying in corvallis.

we went to the office where i put away my walkie talkie, while ryan looked up kaylas phone number to come fill in for me. he dialed the number and held the phone out to me, asking me if i wanted to talk to her....i couldnt even choke out a "no".
i sat down in a chair, my face contorted into a sob. my heart was beating desperately slow, i had no control over my face.

i stood up and got into my car. crying the entire way. i raced home to grab clothes, and was barely able to tell ben what had happened. i just stood in the door way, looking at jon ben and anthony, unable to speak. they were so comfortable and content watching tv. i didnt know what to say, or even if i should say anything at all.

the ride home was fast. i had music on loud. windows down. the air dried my tears and the music emptied my head. i imagined seeing cody and being fine. finished with my emotional outbursts. i didnt cry for the entire next hour.

i demanded to know where cody was via text message. i was called and messaged several times asking where i was. i didnt answer. when i arrived at the vet i walked up to the receptionist.

"im here to see my dog."
"ok, um...what is your dogs name?"
"cody."
"....oh....um.....ok. just a moment." the way her face froze and her mouth responded hit me like a bucket of ice water.

he was already dead. and she needed to find someone else to tell me.

a few moments passed and she returned from behind a door to tell me that the vet recommends i call my family down first.

"well, how about i just see him without my family for a while?"

she paused and asked me to wait again.

"the vet really recommends you call you family and get them down here first, that way we can go over this together and she wont have to go over stuff more than once."

i agreed, with nothing but hatred in my voice. i called me sister jill.

"come to the vet."
"...are you there?"

i hung up.

i sat down and waited, bitter and angry i wasnt allowed to see my dog without the presence of my family. i dont give a fuck about some vets explanation or her idea of convenience, i want to see my fucking dog. i sat alone. i started to cry.

i did so for several minutes before the receptionist walked past me, requesting i follow.
"ok, lets just have you come sit in here for a bit."
i was lead into a room. it looked like what a movie set would look like for a typical animal doctors examination room. the door closed, and a few moments later it opened again with a colorful blanket bearing my dog in some womans arms. they set him down on the aluminum table and left, but not before smiling and proclaiming:
"just becareful, hes sneezing out blood." she said it like it was something adorable. i hated her.

just me and him. i melted.

my body shrank. my heart ceased to beat. my face once again crushed up into putty. i held his face, my vision clouded by excessive water. the sides of his nose were grossly swollen, his lower jaw bent just off to the side. he couldnt close it. he was wimpering heavily. the white of his paws were showing that they had recently been completely soaked in blood. both of his wrists had tape around them. his body was untouched. his hair askew. slightly greasy. that smell of his dirty hair. his body was warm. i loved how he felt. his eyes were slightly cloudy by cateracts and shifted with anxiety. he was terrified. his ears arched and listening. he panted heavily. he was laying down, but he wanted to get up. he was so uncomfortable there. his scar just under his eye, healed finally but marred by the blood and swelling of his nose.

i cried. i apologized. i hugged. over and over and over. my hands never stopped moving over his body. my vision only temporarily clear, before my eyes emptied down my cheeks and filled with tears again. god what a mess. what a fucking mess. this wasnt something i could fix. this wasnt something i could just take him home with and watch as he recovers. this was irreparable. this was devastating. i couldnt fix him. i couldnt make him better. i couldnt make this go away.
i cried and sobbed until i was exausted. sitting on a stool beside his metal table, i lay my arm across him and set my head next to his. i didnt move. i just stared blankly at the door, wondering when it was going to open next. dreading every moment.

when it did, my sisters immediately began crying and talking to cody. my mother came and kneeled before me, her hands on my head struggling to look at me and tell me how sorry she was. i couldnt look at her. i just stared. i just cried. i winced and cried. i couldnt look at anyone in the room. i didnt look at my sisters, just listened to them and watched their torsos move about the room. my mother apologized to cody and hugged him before disappearing somewhere out of view.

i dont remember the inbetweens. i remember i was tired. im always tired. during moments of intense emotional distress....i wish for sleep. always. uncontrollable. i just get tired when i get really upset.

nurses came in and out. asking if things were ok. they said there was no rush, but the frequency in which they kept butting in felt like they were hoping wed just hurry up, get it done and leave. whitney kept asking if she should go get the nurse in moments of silence. i ignored her. i ignored jillian. i ignored my mom. my mom asked me if i wanted to hold him while they did it.

my face smeared again. why the fuck would she ask me something like that right now. did she really expect me to start discussing my dogs death while he was very much alive and in the room with me? it just seemed so absurd.

i just stared for the most part. at the wall. at the door. at cody. i massaged behind his ears, hearing ben tell me that justin found his sweet spot and wishing i could hit it. i rolled my fingers over the densely matted wads of hair behind his ears, recalling how i just cut some of them away a few weeks ago. i looked at his scar under his eye, all healed up and felt my anticipation of him becoming a handsome dog again for school washing away. i rubbed his eyes. he liked that. i ran my hand from the bridge of his nose over his head and down his neck. over and over. when i stopped, he found my hand and nudged me to continue. he was enjoying it inspite of his pain.
he was nervous as all hell. whimpering the entire time. each exhale as he panted heavily seemd to cause him discomfort. i didnt notice it until my mom said she hated hearing it, but his teeth clicked every time he licked his lips or his paws. they clicked because his lower jaw didnt fit nicely up into his upper jaw, his lower jaw was too far off to the side.

it would get quiet. delusions would set in, and i would imagine im just here because of a simple surgery he has coming. one in which ill get to take him home a few hours later. one in which ill have pain meds and special antibiotics to administer for the next few weeks. one in which he would be my dog again, and not some mangled dog, doomed to die because of a recommendation.

the main vet came in, seemingly impatient. she was busy. had other things to do. had more money to make. my sisters were pretty much done crying. my mom sniffled in the corner. the vet explained that his jaw was fractured, dislocated. dislodged. the surgery to fix it may not be successful. worse, he has a concussion, and you dont do surgery on an animal with anesthetics thats suffering from a concussion. in addition, the surgery wouldnt be able to commence until tuesday.

apparently at an emergency vet clinic, severely injured animals take a backseat to labor day. i really hope the vet enjoyed her monday watching oprah and eating potato chips. i cant imagine surgeons refusing to remove a bullet from someones chest because....oops! its labor day, youll just have to wait another 36 hours!

then there was the age issue. he was eleven years old. sophie, his mom, lived to be 14. apparently he was too old. during his oral surgery, his blood pressure dropped a few times, but with IVs he was able to recover. his heart just wasnt as strong as it used to be. and a massive facial surgery such as what he was facing could potentially be enough to kill him. if the surgery had been successful, and he was allowed to go home, hed face several weeks of recovery time. during this time, hed struggle with eating, if he could even withstand the pain enough to do so. according to the vet, he may just end up starving to death due to pain and an inability to heal fast enough, again because of his age and the nature of the surgery itself. hed just suffer even more she said. except it would be long and drawn out.

and finally there was the cost. "youd be looking at several thousand dollars. up to six thousand, maybe more." it didnt hit me until nearly a week later that his previous surgery was a whopping 600 dollars, and even that was a painful burden to bear. stretching into the thousands of dollars would take a tremendous amount of financial strain to pay off.

six thousand dollars. absolutely ridiculous. at least it only costs one hundred and fifty to kill a dog.

so these were the wonderful considerations i had to bear. had to accept. had to mull over. she left me thinking choose what you want, but theres really no choice. my mother told me to do it. my sisters said hed be in heaven with sophie. everyone chanted that hed go to a better place. that he wont be in pain anymore. that he wouldnt suffer. that it was the right thing to do.

fuck you guys. hes not going to heaven. hes not going to be with his mom. BECAUSE IM MURDERING HIM.

again the nurse came back in several minutes after the vet left. fucking go away already. she said something about us being ready, and i said, no. ten more minutes or so.

"ha, that must be the owner of the dog!!!" she looked to my mom and chuckled. what a real funny joke.

you bitch.

eventually i told my family to leave. my mom kept asking me if i wanted to be there when they did it. the girls kept telling me hed be happier. everyone was getting bored. tired of waiting around. i had just got there. cody hadnt lived with me for nearly a month. i was planning on stealing him back home in a matter of days. justin even asked me if i wanted to bring him down just a few days prior. i should have. i fucking should have taken my dog when i had the chance.

again it was just me and him. he stopped panting and perked his ears as everyone left the room. where were they going? i dont think he liked their abandonment, but he wasnt theirs. not now.

i thumbed through the white part of his mane. i could still see the purple from when justin dyed it.

i didnt bother going to get anyone. but sure enough, they came in when they thought i was ready. i guess i was as ready as i could have been. i had stopped crying only a few minutes prior. my chest was sore from sobbing. my eyes stung. my cheeks felt like cement had been poured across them, as the tears had dried and sealed the skin of my face.

a form was signed by my mother. this was it. the ball was rolling. somewhere a clock had started to count down.

the vet returned with a syringe of purple fluid. jillian said she couldnt be there. whitney was at his side, looking at his face. i was standing infront of him, holding his head. the vet pulled back his bandage, exposing two IV tubes into his right leg. she inserted the needle.

"ok, here we go. hes going to go quickly." and then.....

a clog. the fluid wouldnt budge. she removed the needle. suddenly my heart raced. this was it. this was my signal. my billboard from some higher power demanding i do something. i ask more questions. i figure something out.

this was my chance to save my dog.

i did nothing. i couldnt do anything. in the 36 seconds it took her to fix the syringe, i could think of no means of paying for a surgery or watching him die of misery after such a hefty financial burden.

suddenly i was underwater again. my vision so blurred by tears i was only able to see colors. the browns and black and whites. the red bandage. that goddamn vet. i blinked to watch what i had agreed to do. my vision cleared, i glared at that fucking syringe empty its poison into my dog. into cody. before she finished the contents, i could see codys head lowering. his body going soft. whitney continuing to pet, my hands frozen over his neck. unable to stop from crying, i pleaded with whoever was listening to my thoughts to make codys eyes closed, like he had just fallen asleep.
but when i quickly glanced, i saw what i expected: his eyes open, lazy and dull.

the fucking vet dragged a metal object over his chest and stomach.

"hes gone. im so sorry."

and that was it. that was how i killed my dog. my fucking companion. best friend. brother.

i killed cody.

they wrapped him up and carried him off. his body was still warm. his hair still looked alive. he still looked alive. but he felt terribly wrong.

i did alot of glaring at the nurses. i could hear laughter down the hall.

the sadness squeezed the breath from my chest, but the anger burned just behind my eyes. my mother. my fucking mother. ever since i had dropped him off at her house, she tried to convince me how deaf he was. that he couldnt hear a thing. jokingly, id always deny his handicap, instead defending that he just didnt care to listen. which was only partly true. i knew he was having problems. but she was constantly reminding me. in addition, that woman had just ran over him foot a week or so before. he was laying on the garage floor, asleep. in addition to being asleep, he was nearly deaf, and unable to hear my mothers car.

and my mother is so fucking careless entering that garage. spoiled by years of having dogs just get out of the way, she didnt think to actually look inside the garage before pulling into it. she didnt think to remember about the deaf dog she was housing. she didnt think to enter the garage slowly and with caution.

instead, she floors it into the garage, and right over codys foot. he screams in pain and bleeds a little, and she feels bad. but theres no visible sign of extensive damage, his limping fades in a few days, and my mother forgets.

until a week later, the exact same scenario happens. except this time she runs over his goddamn face. youd think that after running over your own dog once from being careless inspite of things you know, youd proceed a bit differently into the garage.

but no. several days later, she cant see codys body lying right where her tires will go, and books it into the garage. several thousand pounds of metal, cushioned by a pillow of rubber trace over codys mouth. he bleeds everywhere and hops in the car in complete surprise and agony and fear. apparently mom finds teeth on the floor of the garage later.

and thats where the juxtaposition of emotions tears at me. its my mom. i love her dearly, shes the top of my list of favorite most pleasant people. shes my friend. my ally. my financial help. my confidant. my mom.
but she killed my most important posession. for no reason. if she had just been careful after the first time shed injured him with her car, id still have a dog at my feet right now. i wouldnt have had to endure such an intense emotional explosion. i wouldnt be so goddamned angry at my own mom.

i feel terrible because of the amount of depression and guilt shes going through. but jesus fucking christ. she killed my dog. it absolutely kills me. if she had only ran over him once, i wouldnt feel nearly this frustrated. but the fact shed done it twice absolutely kills me. the fact that his death was so fucking completely avoidable and unnecessary absolutely kills me.

i love her so much. but i am filled with such disappointment at her. such anger.

hes gone. hes dead. i walked out to my car, breathing in spurts, refusing to wipe any tears from my face. i still had my petco uniform on. standing outside the vet office was a short woman carrying a blanket wrapped lump. it was my dog.

it was absolutely disgusting. my body went through the motions of vomiting but couldnt bring itself to produce anything. a sickening weight filled that blanket. it was warm. it felt as if it was filled with fluid. there was no structure, only mass. it was so heavy. so unnatural feeling. god it made me feel sick.

i threw the shit from my carseat onto the floor and laid him down. just so disgusting. that is my fucking dog.

from there i went to taras work. she handles the cremation of animals. she cut me a break and only asked 35 dollars. the vet gave me three options:

leave the body with them.
take the body home with us.
go through their choice in cremation, and pay over 150 to 200 dollars.

you fucking vets.

tara was wonderfully supportive. leaving downtown portland where she no doubt had been with friends to open up her work just for me. she offered an endless stream of apologies and hugs. his body sat on a cushioned wheeled cart, and was left in front of a row of pews. the limp body of my mangled dog. a dog i had gone running with. watched ashton chase. tickled. a dog who had dreams and barked in his sleep and twitched his feet. a dog with dyed hair. a dog with a bright pink leash. a dog who walked in front of cars on 11th street. the little poop dog that would use my neighbors lawn as a restroom. a dog that slept in russells room. ate used tampons. let me know when he was preparing to throw up. a dog that loved to eat anything. kept our floors clean of food crumbs. a dog that hated other dogs. hated cats. a dog we called dick cheney because he was such an asshole. a dog that used to love sleeping on his back. a dog that used to be tireless, but soon slowed down dramatically by the end of the block. a dog who loved more than anything the words "want to go for a walk?" a dog called codybones or tito von bones. a dog who apparently rested his head on the box containing his mothers body.

my dog.
my dog cody.

i left the crematorium for my grandfathers house. for whatever reason, thats the only place i wanted to go after i left him. i thought about cutting some of his hair, and keeping it, but really, what would i do with it? his ashes would be enough.

several days later, after informing russell, ben and brain of the news of his death, i was able to share a single post mortem laugh about cody and his ashes. i told ben i would have them, and was thinking of places to spread them. thinking of favorite places of cody.

the front porch of the 11th street house. the field down the street. my moms backyard.

ben suggested safeway.

justin and him used to walk cody down there while i was at work, sometimes tying him outside, sometimes not. i think he actually walked around inside once or twice.

ha. safeway.