10.04.05 - 11:15 pm

ok so im not confused. i know what i want. i know what i have. but i am....disgusted. grossly. i dont care what she says or how she feels about what ive done, but it is disgust i feel. disgust for what shes done, and disgust for my feelings for her inspite of all that.

but what really are my feelings for her?

gone really. but then why would i feel discomfort during her monologue on jared? what remains to be hurt inside me? property rights?

she seems to have a desire to brand me as hers. shes upset about andi stepping back in where she left off. but from a surface perspective shes only hurt not because she cares or loves me...but because a prize on her belt of notches has tread on her insecurities. suddenly ive taken her back to when she was intimidated by the one who came before her.

its not love. its not care. i really dont know what it is. what is it that she struggles with? when she hurts, what does she hurt about? how does she do it? what goes through her head?

but for you, for you what is it? what are those feelings? after all this emotional decay, what is left to have for her?

the idea.

beneath this mask there is more than just bone and flesh. there is an idea. and ideas....are bullet proof.

and thats exactly it. behind the mask of the representation of sarah thornton, there is an idea of a woman that i hurt for. i hurt because that idea is chipped away every time she says nolan is a pending sexual encounter. the idea of her is slowly marred every time she says she fucked jared alot because of how passionate it was, and how she enjoyed fucking him.

the idea of sarah thornton.

its not love. its hope that hurts.

but imagine that idea, found not in sarah, but in someone else. that idea of a relationship without aggression. without violence. without things to fix. someone who chooses other avenues of enjoyment outside of alcohol drugs sex and cigarrettes. this is fun. and this is how its supposed to be. thank you for proving to me that someone like you does exist. thank you....in general.

its not that i need someone always sarah. its that im tired of looking.

this is probably the wrong thing to display.