10.19.05 - 2:01 am

so good to know where he is. to know hes happy. to know hes safe. to know hes not itching himself to death. to know hes no where near cigarrette smoke. to know that he smiles and enjoys his time here and his company. to know he asks for mamna lynn.

im so happy knowing hes got little things he saves just for me. for his uncle ben and uncle justin. favorite things he likes to say or do.

its so wonderful to hear his preferences. to hear him say:
"bracelets coming with us? my trailor coming on a walk with me?"

i love hearing what he doesnt like. today it was maurices. he said he didnt like that store. but he said his favorite store was goodwill. he loves the ice age 2 movie trailor, but thinks the jarhead trailor is scary.

its been a much needed break in time. we never see each other now. hes always available, but in between drive times to salem and school and work and sarahs schedule of driving and work...hes impossible to see. no longer is he just a 20 minute drive to brownsville. hes a 40 minute drive to salem. sometimes, just that extra 20 minutes makes all the difference.

sarah is a smoker. i still get mad at her and let her know it. it makes me feel silly, but it irritates me. not only for ashton, but for her. its marring an already soiled image of her. it always has, and she relishes in it. she thrives on smoking. menthols. her cars smells of it. for the longest time she would say it was because her friends smoked in the car.

theres nothing there with me for her. just a few more threads to go. perhaps these threads are connected to the most valuable memories i have of her, and are thus the toughest to severe. she is a decent person. she is just the end result of a terrible childhood, terrible parenting, terrible choices and the burden of being young and beautiful. i am angry at her for leaving me, yes. its an unusually painful experience to be told and then shown how much you dont matter anymore to someone you care about.

tomorrow i wake up around 8 so i can leave corvallis by 9 and be in tualatin by 10 am. tomorrow is going to be a busy day. i hope.